Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Definitive War & Economy Post -- Trust No Others

"Well, then I want total brisket!"


There are more obese cats named Pythagoras now than at any other time in History. These cats are not dumb. They have figured out the following relationship: F-squared + cN-squared = LAS (where F = Friskies, cN = catNip, and LAS = Long Ass Slumber). After total war can come total feline obesity. Right now, I would argue that we have only partial feline obesity. Right now, I would argue that we have only partial war. But let's save that for later. I was once a young economist working for a model of American corporate integrity, which I shall refer to, simply, as "Arthur." At Arthur I was called upon to complete many vital tasks, such as (1) develop the final bagel and lox from the main conference room after a client meeting; (2) analyze the score in televised hockey goals of Sweden vs. U.S.A. after the Yanks had yanked their netminder; and (3) research the coffee pot as many as ten or fifteen times per day. This qualifies me to make a few pronouncements on the State of the Economy. It may help, I would argue, to create a couple-two-three new deities: Stockius Tickus (God of the Exchange); Payicles (God of the Salary); and Maalox Maximus (God of Relief). We'll need them in the months ahead, big-time.

Pythagoras, the famous mathematician & geometrician & runway model, came to understand a number of relationships. He is most famous for understanding the motives of the triangle -- why the triangle weeps; why the triangle hates its father; why the triangle sits in its efficiency apartment with the lights out. But he developed other formulae as well, including that for (TW) Total War, which can only be achieved by dumping (TO) Total Ordnance on (TO) Total Others. This theory has come to be known at The TWO and has a cult following in the military. I do believe that we have not achieved The TWO, in that we have yet to dump TO on TO. Of course, The TWO is relative. Soviet TWO and Sino/Wino TWO and Gallic TWO and Aboriginal TWO and Extraterrestrial TWO involve dumping TO on (US) United States as well everybody else but Soviets, Sinos/Winos, Gauls, Aborigines, and ETs, respectively. Pythagoras also calculated the Number of Windows in Baltimore by taking the hypotenuse of the disuse of the hypotension and giving it a wedgie. Nostradamus predicted Pythagoras many years after Pythagoras lived and died. I think that's a copout and shouldn't be forgotten any time soon.

7 comments:

Michael said...

Dan Gutstein: shootin' from the heart!

RITA

mark wallace said...

Michael-Rita is an interesting person.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

i'm still waiting for sausages blog ----BA

Michael said...

maybe in the new year?? the world wonders...

rita

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

sausages blog could be run by rita btw. ba

mark wallace said...

Total brisket ain't got nothing on Total Manwich.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Total Tibs? BA