Wednesday, June 25, 2008

To Kick a Mockingbird's Ass

This bad actor is a LARGE part of the pantomime.


Days ago, during a muggy jog up towards the Cathedral, a soldier from D.C. Beaks, a gang of mockingbirds, assaulted me in front of the Australian Embassy, while a uniformed Secret Service officer ate a submarine sandwich. It is true, that I was wearing my gang colors, at the time: A Baltimore Orioles cap. The mockingbird pecked the oriole on my cap, then swooped again, leaving me Twice Pecked, Once from Cleveland. He proceeded to alight in a distant oak, and did what mockingbirds do, he mocked me. He discussed the importance of swing voters in the presidential race, he spoke to me in rusty French, he submitted some poems for publication. Just before I jogged out of earshot, he wondered why it wasn't he, a mockingbird, on the cap, when there are plenty of mimidae in Baltimore, and to boot, the oriole doesn't exactly frighten the blue jay, the tiger, the ranger, etcetera. He didn't say etcetera. He said, "Recession." He said, "Try pissing into a dixie cup during a Category Five Twister." Then his song faded.

A mockingbird could best a Finch, even one that nested in the Atticus. No, a mockingbird is not innocent, not the mockingbird I banged with, while the Nation of Australia did nil, and the Secret Service ate some Subway. Still, I agree with Harper Lee, in noting that a mockingbird should not be killed. To wit, we should kick its ass, instead, if only we could confront the thug where he alights. O, Lord: Why is there perch? There is perch, sayeth the Lord, to remind us of what a serpent is not. Why is there serpent? There is serpent, sayeth the Lord, to administer justice. Justice? What does the serpent know of justice? It knows not, sayeth the Lord. That's the point. O, Lord: I'm confused. Take a seasalt bath, sayeth the Lord. Engage in the utility of lavender. Lord: why didst thine mockingbird assault me? Mine mockingbird, sayeth the Lord, assaulteth even me, that pesky son of a gun, with those dilly wings and that dilly tail. Tis why I createth the hawk, but yesterday I didst espy the mockingbird routing the hawk. We must soaketh the brisket over-night, sayeth the Lord, then leave it beneath the distant oak, for the mockingbird dost judge our fate. Huzzah!

18 comments:

mark wallace said...

Question: when hawks and crows fight, who usually wins? The answer may be surprising.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

I was jogging on Roosevelt Island yesterday, down an untrod upon trail, when I came across, like, seven or eight HUGE crows. They didn't automatically flee, and when they did, they were noisy and they didn't fly far away. Maybe conditioning, maybe badass. Hawks are not eagles. An eagle would kick tail where a hawk might not. ----BA

sausages said...

Crows play feisty defense, but Hawks play good administrative offense, but they need to win on the road. I say: Crows in 5.

PS: But a Hawk did eat one of my cats, once--grabbed her by the nape and just flew away w/ her--that was somethin'!!

PPS: Nothing can stand between an SS agent and his doublemeat--

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

You saw a bird fly off with your cat? Or you think that's what happened? Saw? Or thought? Really or not really? I mean, if it's real, that's crazy. Like freaking The Wizard of Oz or something. ----BA

tmorange said...

thanks to bloodand my new favorite verb is "alight."

love the photo, sausages: how'd ya photoshop that bits?

t.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

TVA:

Alight. Alit. Allot. All at. A'ight.

Does that picture really say "Swine Logs?"

----BA

Dana said...

What I like about your writing is that you have an MFA and still manage to not be boring. Huzzah!

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Oy, the cops will take my degree away! You're very kind. I just try to keep a good batting average: 3 outta 10 or so. Cheers, ----Blood And

sausages said...

Gee...just think: If Dan and Tom were to join forces, they'd be Blood Orange -- look out Hill' & 'Bama (Hillabama) ...

Now that's what Rick James'd call Unitaaaay!

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Reminds me of that Larry Young album, UNITY. Ever see that picture of him and one of his bands?

http://www.emusic.com/img/artist/105/686/10568694.jpeg

Looks like they're getting ready to play the post-bop cover of "YMCA." But UNITY is a good album. TKO/TVA/TOVA bought me mines.

----BA

tmorange said...

naw man, sausages photoshopped the shit an i wanna know how he didit.

the brand name ain't "bleat belt," it's "prairie belt" dammit. and the product is "smoked sausages" not "swine logs."

tho to their credit the folks what makes the shit -- prairieland foods, west point, ms 37993 -- is at least honest about the shit dey's puttin in dey shit:

"mechanically separated chicken, water, chicken skins, pork skins, corn syrup, pork spleens, salt, no more than 2 percent of:..."

which is more honesty than i kin say for sausages.

"hey, brandine! sausages ain't got more honesty den what dem sausage people gots!"

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Mechanically separated water? Is that in the constitution? ----BA

mark wallace said...

To answer an earlier question, here in San Diego County hawks carry off small dogs fairly frequently, and owners of small dogs are firmly advised to keep them inside during the day. So cats are all fair game, no doubt. But it would have to be a small cat. Wasn't there a woman we knew with initials KH who had a very fat cat? No hawk would have carried off that cat. There's a moral here somewhere.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

I thought you said "hawks and crows" (see above). Yeah, i remember that cat. It wanted to move, but couldn't. You'd see the puzzled look on its face and it was half sad / half hilarious. ----BA

mark wallace said...

Hawks are almost like wild animals, I swear. They'll eat anything.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Is it called a chicken hawk because it eats chicken or because it's scared, like a chicken? ----BA

mark wallace said...

Chicken hawks are dangerous to farmers, that's all I'm saying.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Everything becomes a chicken, in the end. Maybe one of our fundamental theorems re: burgers, must now be changed. Maybe not. Thoughts? ----BA