Friday, June 6, 2008

War of the Worlds: A Slavonica

"Lookit yonder subURPS."


Out in Montgomery County, Md., as the crow flies, cries, and pries, one can find two entire Worlds: Leisure World and Privacy World. They are, as it were, housing developments, the former for Senior Cits and the Latter for Private Cits. There are no other Cits. You are either Senior or Private. I will now wait a minute while you choose sides. [Pause.] Thank you. Now, there has been arranged an Olympiad between the two developments, which abut one another along Georgia and Connecticut Avenues, in the sprawling 'burbs and 'burps. There will be competitions, specifically, in Leisure and in Privacy. Residents of Leisure World are expected to excel at Leisure, and acey-ducey, in that the residents of Privacy World are expected to excel at Privacy. There was talk of a hybrid Leisure-Privacy Decathalon, but negotiations stalled and then coffee cake and coffee were served. Coffee was chosen because it was Healthfoods. But it was also chosen because it can be both Leisure and Privacy. Coffee cake is not Healthfoods, however, and it is not Privacy. Coffee cake is 100 percent Leisure, folks, and controversy will always dog Leisure until The End. Did you hear the one about Leisure and Privacy? Okay: Leisure took legal action in order to communicate more effectively with Privacy. It was Leisure's suit to write to Privacy. [Ba-doom tish.] John McEnroe: Please: The last name of the No. 3 ranked men's tennis player is not pronounced JOCK-of-Itch, it is JOKE-O-vitch. Not JOCK-of-Itch, like the man, JOCK, is the son of Itch, eh, John McEnroe? Have you hugged a Slav today? Huh, John McEnroe, have you hugged a Slav? Please rise, turn to your left, and hug the nearest Slav. Thank you and: [Eggseunt.]

18 comments:

The Goose said...

Coffe cake is 100% leisure. Damn fucking right.

The Goose said...

coffee. SHIT.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Yes, coffee leads to that, which makes it healthfoods. BA

tmorange said...

this whole paradigm sorta gets blown apart tho when Perversity World opens in october 2009...

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

You could make a game -- Perversity, Leisure, Privacy -- kind of like Rock, Paper, Scissors, using hand gestures. BA

mark wallace said...

If you say "I want more privacy" you become part of the reason that there is no privacy. This is especially true in California, where everybody has come to get away from it all and are shocked to find that it all is all already here.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Let's face it -- we all want to have more privacy, but at the same time, we want the ability to destroy everyone else's privacy, even as we don't recognize everybody else's rights to destroy ours. Leisure, really, offers little, and Perversity, as TKO suggests, offers even less. The only answers, aside from feats of strength, involve total brisket, extreme weapons amnesty, and marginal gains. ----BA

sausages said...

From Glengarry Glen Ross:

Roma: How was the coffee cake?

Levine: From the store.

Together: F____ her.


But clearly, coffee cake is craft, but what I really wanna know is who won the shuffleboard competition?

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Not Levine. Levene. Shelley, The Machine, Levene.

Shuffleboard? Oh, how I miss shuffleboard. I love shuffleboard.

BA

Dana said...

Hey, there are plenty of healthfoods that don't make you shit. Take cheese. Has the opposite effect (and borders on healthy, kinda). And calcium supplements, also. (Vitamins *do* count as healthfoods, right? Cause if not, I'm in trouble.)

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Cheese, calcium, and vitamins (pron. VITTA-mins) are Healthfoods. And should be taken accordingly. i.e., Serious. Any deviation from that would be cause for alarum. Alack! ----BA

Dana said...

Dan, I've only just "met" you and already you have me nearly laughing so hard I pee everywhere.

(I said nearly, mind you. Don't be all grossed out by what hasn't even happened.)

(Yet.)

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Dana, thanks for your kind words. It's a pleasure to meet you, and I hope we correspond in all the best ways. Uncontrollable urine -- that accompanies laughter -- was one of the Seven Stages of the Yen, or was that the Stations of the Cross, or simply the Agony of Our Era? I like how I'm supposed to "check my gross-out." You know how that works with guys: Once you start grossing out, you cannot stop. For kicks, can I refer you to:

http://dangutstein.blogspot.com/2008/04/mit-charlie-und-chaplin.html

If you'd be blogging, or have a web site, I'd gladly link it from my humble little project here.

Cheers, ----B.A.

Dana said...

Dan, don't you want to be assured of the quality of my work before linking to me? What if all I write about are flowers and rainbows?

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Well, okay, although it would depend upon what you did to those flowers and rainbows. What sort of horrors you visited upon them, per se. A horrified rainbow touched upon the petal of a horrified flower. (?) ----BA

Dana said...

On my blog, there will be no horrified rainbows touched upon by the petals of horrified flowers. My blog is classy; she doesn't pander to the whims of nonexistent audiences. You can find a link to her on my Facebook page, if you are so inclined. (And I think you are, intriguing as I’ve made the prospect sound.)

You can also click on my photo here in your comments dealy. That will take you to my blogspot profile, which links through to my current blog. But of course you know all that already. I’m just stating the obvious.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Linked! Classy! Inclined! Cheers, ----BA

Dana said...

Yay! You enabled Name/URL commenting. This makes my life much, much easier. Many thanks.