Sunday, May 17, 2009

SQUID PRONE QUOTA.

The effects of too much Applause.


If someone takes your Vitals, make sure to get them back. There is a highly profitable Black Market for Vital Signs these days. A good pulse can be traded for ethnic and ethical fish, alike, whereas a good blood pressure can be sold for Upward Mobility. Don't let them take your Vittles, either. He who is convicted of Appetizer Theft is a Convictual, and those who get pinched more than once, come to be known as Habitual Convictuals. Therefore, if they take your calamari, they're taking your squid, if they sell your calamari, they're getting Quid on your squid, proving, thereby, that "British slang" is, at best, redundant. If, therefore, Herman Melville first conceived of a peglegged captain who chased a giant tentacled beast, but realized he wouldn't earn enough Quid on his squid, he then conceived of a peglegged captain, Mobility Dick, who beat the odds simply by stumping around the Poopdeck. The title of Melville's nautical novel pingponged for years between "Poop Dick" "Dick Poop" "Dick" "Deck" "Dick Deck" and "Deck Poop" before a European Music Star inspired the header as we know it, Moby Dick, a techno-loving Private Eye who scours the sea for a bigoted whale. Beware Applause. No, no, no, should you stand too close to Applause, the bang of the palm against palm, you, too, could catch The Clap. Beware Applause. Signs of The Clap include spontaneous Applause, Applause not-called-for, belligerent applause, plausible applesauce cravings, and Pause. There are, in fact, the Seven Horsemen of the Clap, you can always tell the approach of their steeds by the clopclap, clopclap of their shoes. At that point, there will be little left to do but laud and applaud, for the Madness will be, like, Tentacles in the Tabernacle.

13 comments:

RITA said...

poop decks is gross --

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

plurals is gross.

mark wallace said...

Squid make Good Vittles. Tentacles in the Soup, as it were.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Squids is good for catching other fish but otherwise squids is gross. There is, like, the same tentacle at Thai Chef for the last year, at the sushi chef station. That tentacle is nasty. And old. Is there some kind of "aged tentacle" thing about sushi, that I'm not aware of? Somebody gonna eat that tentacle, but, man, not me. ---------------------------------------------------BA

mark wallace said...

Aged tentacle like fine wine.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Nothing like '53 tentacle from the Sea of Okhotsk. Not to mention a more recent vintage, '79 tentacle from the Chuckchi Sea. --------------------------BA

mark wallace said...

Any opinion on 2009 Tentacle from Chicken of the Sea?

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

One must take that tin and store it on one's shelf for at least a full year, and if possible, keep bananas next to it at all times. Then, and only then, will contemporary Tentacle mature. ----------------------------------------------------BA

mark wallace said...

Antique Tentacles Road Show.

It would be a hit.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

I watch that show! I play the game of "disappointed" / "not disappointed" when they tell the people how much their Tentacle is worth. Some folks think they have antique Tentacle and are disappointed when the appraisal is low whereas some people think they have modest Tentacle when it turns out they have very valuable Tentacle.

There's a new band -- Modest Tentacle -- playing some of that melodic briny crap. You dig?

---------BA

mark wallace said...

Time to haul all those old tentacles out of the attic, I guess.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

I just came back from the attic where I found an old bottle of the The Tentacle 12 Year. I was sure I'd never see the The Tentacle 12 Year again but there it was, in its briny stew. Mmmm. Tentacle. -------------------BA

Anonymous said...

You boys is gross. Gina