Wednesday, June 24, 2009

VLAD THE ENPALER.

Victims / The Enpaled


The reputation of Vlad the Impaler, the famous Wallachian philanthropist, had gotten just so, he didn't need to Impale any longer -- well, now and again, heh heh heh -- since his proximity effectively Enpaled his victims. They would blanche. They would whiten. They removed themselves to The Pale of Settlement. Contests ensued and some were pronounced Pale by Comparison. What else can one do in The Pale of Settlement, afterall, but drink Pale Ale and beget Pale Stool, all the doings of Vlad the Enpaler. Vlad, which is short for Vladislaus, which, in Wallachian, translates to He Who Fondles of Vlasic Dillweed & Cole Slaus, then turned toward cheeseboarding as a means of extracting a confession. He once cheeseboarded a Dom DeLuise-looking Homey for three days -- the man, placed on a wooden board, had cheese rubbed all over his face -- until the Dom DeLuise-looking Homey confessed. Subsequent attempts to Cheeseburger a confession only triumphed in the Americas. Those, in the States, who caught a glimpse of Vladislaus, bought Impalas. Beige ones. It was undercover Americans, though, dressed as Syrians, yo, who applied SPF in his presence. He only caught on, did Vlad, when they ordered Fetish salads, hold the onions, with Wild Ass Toosh, when real Syrians would order Fettoosh, with onions, hold the Ass. "I tried to become a kinder Impaler," wrote Vladislaus, in his memoir, My Tippus, "but for the Americans, I would've ceased Impaling altogether, and now, I shall Impale afresh."

15 comments:

sausages said...

Steel cage death match:

Tippus or Tentacle? Who wins?

You decide.

mark wallace said...

Dan Gutstein, The Impala.

This blog is so DC that only those of us who know DC would know it.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

sausages:

I do not want anything to do with Tippus, period.

Not Tentacle either, although it be at 20 Fadoms Deep, eh?

BA

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

I submitted this piece to the DC Tentacle (School) site but they rejected it, saying that I wasn't DC Tentacle (School) enough.

-----------BA

sausages said...

I hear it's true that the Gov. of South Carolina once got lost on this blog -- there goes his chance of ever being TOTUS ...

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

It's like Pop in THE LONGEST YARD, when he looks into the sun, squinting, no teeth, and then tells Burt Reynolds, Yep, he figured an extra thirty years was worth slugging the warden. I reckon it's worth it, losing one's shot at the White House. Yep.

BA

sausages said...

It's good to know we still have Romney & Palin --

Steel cage death match #2:

NRA or MLA?

Discuss.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

NRA wins via assault weapons (Yahweh in Yonkers w/ Atom Bomb) whereas MLA wins via "Procedural Motion Presented to Members of the Committee". Ultimately firepower trumps "politcal acumen in a post-secondary academic environment". NRA.

BA

sausages said...

Linguistics gives MLA a slight edge, too -- but not enough. NRA.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

I mean, the MLA hipster dude with retro eyeglasses wins in the classroom, wins "at theory", but the NRA dude with 50-round magazine -- in this particular matchup -- triumphs everywhere else.

BA

sausages said...

Even with a potato gun -- with a potato clip -- the NRA dude wins.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

w/50 potato magazine, yes, Yahweh in Yonkers w/ Atom Bomb d. Ass't Prof. in Poughkeepsie w/ Postmodern Theory. Every time. --------------------------------------------------------BA

Mira said...

Tee hee. Mira

RITA said...

I got one for yuz:

Yokadot or Oleo?

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Yockadot was Tom Archia's personal nonsense hipster word, so, basically, the coolest word on the planet, and then you've got Oleo which is a Sonny song, Sonny, man, Sonny. It's a tossup. I'll take Yockadot with an asterisk. ---------------BA