Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Rare OOPS

What Happens after Swilling the Poteen.


Suction, if left alone, could destroy the universe, one stickfigure booty at a time. I offer the equation Dial "S" for "Suction" but Suction, of course, has been misunderstood over the Ages, 18 to 24, and 51 to 69, in particular. Most other Groups understand Suction just fine, or so sayeth Psychotherapies. You may wish to "Muse" in that you may wish to Inspire some young Sap, but don't Muse if you plan on Mewing, in the plural. It would be impossible, thereby, to distinguish your Muse from your Mews. Your Pause from your Paws. I will now describe My Own Theory of Relativity. I am related to You inasmuch as You have some Money for Me. Otherwise, you must apply for Relativity with the notion in mind that -- relating to you should leave me an additional half hour every day. Either Way, by Either Pike, we reach the aforementioned destination. "Your wallet please" may be a Robbery or it may be a clumsy attempt to speculate on the satisfaction of your billfold. "Ahem" may be a Throatclear whereas "Ahem ahem" may be a Warning that you have a Problem with your Garment. It may be Suction that is Amiss, and if so, check out that Video -- Suction Gone Wild -- via latenight infomercial. Suction will, nevertheless, determine a good bit Today, in your life, and in mine, we will require Redundancy, nails to secure nails, theory to secure theory, people to secure people, and so forth: It's getting to be That Kind of World.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Coq au Vindaloon

Les Gar├žonz 'n' le Quartier


If French scientists can change a hen into a rooster then why can't American scientists change the economy into an economy? It'd be risky. We could, afterall, wind up with a fowl worth negative $3,000,000,000,000, and counting. History is full of transformations. Swords have been beaten into Ploughshares, a Chechen Bird o' Prey has decloaked over the Kremlin, and Water has been turned into Wine, down in the Land of Canaan, at the House of Babel. There isn't just water, there is water on top of water, some water needs to be on top and some water needs to be on the bottom, there isn't just water, water is very sexy. It used to be one could wave a Cheeseburger and a Marijuana Cigarette at just about any problem, and the problem would go away. These days, and when I say "these days", I mean, yes, I, too, throw fistfulls of I Owe Youze into the air, it might have to be a VeggieBurger, and the Marijuana couldn't be Marijuana, it'd have to be Medicinal. Judaism, by the way, can now be purchased in the bulkfoods aisle at Fresh Fields. You can find it next to the dried mango, and for the same price, $10.99 per pound, although it's on sale this week, or just mark down the code for "Student Mix" and you can get Judaism for $3.49 per pound. Judaism and Student Mix -- apparently -- are like twins separated at birth, the cashiers and baggers, alike, cannot tell them apart. O, whadda we have to do, These Days, and when I say These Days, I mean, yes, I, too, muck my aces for no defensible reason, whadda we have to do? Well, we must be Vigilant, for one, we must light candles and let the curtains flutter in the spritely spring kissing wind. After all, one minute we might be laying an egg, and the next minute, we might be crowing -- for broke -- at the bright horizon.