Tuesday, September 25, 2012

WELL, BUTTER MY ONION, HERE, IN DOUBLECLICKISTAN, BUT I’M NO LONGER HOTTEST IN THE NATION, ACCORDING TO RATE MY OPPRESSORS, ER, PROFESSORS.

What looking in the mirror used to be like: Hot!


Now that I’m post-hot, all I can do is rub Cholula all over myself in the hopes of producing a third nipple. Then I could front the Scandinavian metal combo, Third Nipple Rampage. “Old hotties never die,” said MacArthur, “they just fade to mild.” The hell, though, if I’m gonna settle for Tepidest or Lukewarmest in the nation. Now that I’m post-hot, I’ll need a greater reservoir for compassion than my balsawood heart allows, I’ll need a greater system for latitude than my Zen-X philosophy allows. I’m beginning to learn that life is more than just clicking ass and taking URLs. Especially here in Doubleclickistan, where avatar oleomargarine and avatar sweet vidalia can slather each other all they’d like. No more coverage in The Huffington Glue Post, nope. Even if Red Rover were invoked I sure as hell wouldn’t come over, nope. I’ve gone from “chili pepper” as in “habanero” to “chilly pepper” as in “habanero left out in the snow.” The radio sings, “Ya / ya / ya / ya / ya /ya / ya / Your Sharona,” as if the lady-in-question were someone else’s Sharona, not my Sharona, not any longer, now that I’m post-hot. What have those Immediate-Past-Hotties done with themselves, I wonder, but cruised the jalapeno aisles, for hours, in supermarkets? Not that I, an Immediate-Past-Hottie, cruise the aisles, myself—god forbid it should all come down to stalking the shiny finish on a Hungarian wax pepper. I suppose I could look forward to the brisk fever of an influenza, oh, to be hot again!

18 comments:

Tom Raworth said...

Dear N. Troppy: NOW you get it.

Anonymous said...

no comments yet? this is what happens post-hot.

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

clearly i'm still too hot to be roasted by mere comment box comments in Doubleclickstan. HA!

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DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Tom:

I think your comment got deleted somehow. It was reported to me as:

Dear N. Troppy: NOW you get it.

I guess I'm N. Troppy. Although it doesn't seem like much of an insult. (Admittedly, I don't know from "Troppy.") I was hoping for insults!

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Anonymous said...

dude: yyou re so MUCH hotter than any profs of mine at big state school1. all they talk about is blah de bloo. keep at it. you'll be hot again!! GINUH

Anonymous said...

You're not even in the top ten of 2011-2012 Hottest Professors. In fact, you're not even ranked! This is a true decline in hotness. YOU FAIL TO DEFEND YOU HOT TITLE! WHERE ARE THE INTANGIBLES? At the BLACK SQUIRREL in the PEARL JAM. Squandered!...This is really pathetic Guts. All you had to do was tell your whoreum to poke those chilli peppers online. But no. You fail to defend the title. You should be ashamed. Really Ashamed. What will Arianna Huffington think now? JUST DIE ALREADY!

Geopoulos said...

Dan, I feel as if I've been harsh with you all these years, despite the incident -- you know very well what I'm talking about -- in which you were not nice to me. Today, I will let you be. Sorry to hear that you've dropped from the "hot heights."

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

GINUH! long time no typo. thanks for saying hi. appreciate it. also: good luck at Enormous State U. ----------------------------------------------------------ba

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Katy -- that's pretty good. Thanks. I don't think you're allowed to repeat though. Nobody from last year is in this year's list. Ha ha. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BA

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Shakapopoulos! Hey, man. How's it going?

Are you talking about the doughnut incident or the hand weights incident?

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Geopoulos said...

The doughnuts!

MIRA NILLSON said...

Tee hee.

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Shakapopoulos -- describe the doughnut incident in your own words. You know, the part where you were duplicitously selling out the POTUS whilst cramming a "strawberry surprise" into your "commentator." Sugar + Et Tu Brute = Good Morning America, brah. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BA

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Mira Mira on the Wall, well, er, if you'd posted to my Facebook page. Roight! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BA

Dahlia said...

Thanks for being so hot professor! I didn't have the heart to roast you. Just wanted to say thanks for a great class. Dahlia

Geopoulos said...

I was trying to be nice to you! This is the thanks I get. Well, no thanks, Dan. You're not hot any longer and you're not being fair. I never did anything to you, in the first place!

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Thanks, Dahlia. Long time no hear. Hope you're well. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BA

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Shakapopoulos -- you've said "no, I'm not" and now you're saying "yes, I am" -- well, as the Brits would say: "Which is it, man?" You, being the Turncoatopoulos wouldn't say anything, and after the pause, the same Brits would go: "Roight." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BA