Thursday, May 21, 2015
“Oh, why go on?” said the traveler, after arriving in a dry county: “it’s pint-less.” Outside, actors and actresses reenacted the Gunfight at the Ofay Corral. Afterwards, they cruised each other at OfayCupid. All this online dating necessitates the return of the dative case; it’s all so indirect. I put down one summer read for another summer read, A Passage to Indianapolis for The Unbearable Lightness of Bee Sting. I put down The Unbearable Lightness of Bee Sting for Topic of Capricorny. Do you put down books? It’s very insulting. Samuel Butler may know The Way of All Flesh whereas most toilets know the way of all flush. At the very end of the flush resides a ferocious reptile—a Commode O’dragon. His dream dessert? A slice of pie a la commode. Did a state of despair—pointlessness—facilitate the development of a painting technique: pointillism? By acknowledging all the pints, indeed, one can contemplate The Big Tincture.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Scrutinize the photograph above. What do you see?
(1) An everyday helpmeet sentenced to serve hard time in a head prison
(2) An everyday helpmeet riding mass transit in a fashion head prison
(3) An everyday helpmeet
(4) An everyday helpmeet in an everyday helmet on the way to hell-mist or hazmat
Choose the best deconstruction of the phrase “Mr. Edipus Wreaks Haddock”:
(1) Mr. Ed
(2) Oedipus Rex
(3) Wreaks havoc
(4) A talking horse that has longings for his mother and goes wild like a popular food fish
When you encounter the term “house amber” what does it mean to you?
(1) In every family house lives a woman named Amber
(2) In every publick house toils a woman named Amber
(3) Michelob Amber Bock
(4) A night of debauchery that will surely conclude itself in rooms going all whirlybird
Characterize the everyday animals that are most likely to jump out of the curtains:
(1) Burrowing sycophant creatures
(2) Back door beasts
(3) Raptors with glass hearts
(4) Reptiles out on work release
Which of the following categories best describes you?
(1) I have been the best man at a divorce
(2) I have been the maid of honor at a divorce
(3) I caught the garter at a divorce
(4) I caught the bouquet at a divorce
In regards to the picture above, have you recently been the victim of:
(1) Status electricity
(2) Status electricity and the peckings of cage-free Huns
(3) Status electricity and marital law as supervised by martial bliss
(4) Status electricity and the smart-phone poet, Anne Sexting
How many times have you been attacked—in the past month—by an everyday animal?
(1) Zero to 2 times
(2) 3 to 10 times
(3) 11 to 28 times
(4) 29 or more times (i.e., every day of the month!)
The time has come to calculate your point total. Scoring key: For every (1) you selected, you receive one point. For every (2) you selected, you receive two points. For every (3) you selected, you receive three points. For every (4) you selected, you receive four points. Below, you may correlate your point total with your level of involvement in the lives of everyday animals.
7 to 11: You are minimally involved in the lives of everyday animals.
12 to 17: You are somewhat involved in the lives of everyday animals.
18 to 23: You are involved in the lives of everyday animals.
24 to 28: You are overly involved in the lives of everyday animals.