Tuesday, December 15, 2015

YES, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT A LEFTIST.



Are you left-brine or right-brine dominant? It would depend upon which ocean you await. The Atlantic always approaches shore from right to left whereas the Pacific always approaches shore from left to right. Oceans force you to adopt the same stance, no matter how you might strive to politicize an issue. Our centrists must reside in the middle of the continent—they count both the artist and the analyst among their ranks. An apple, can the centrists paint, a standard deviation, can the centrists compute. Would you apply Right Guard to your right-side armpit, or in general, to conservative body odor? Oh, would there be Left Guard for the left-side armpit or for the perspiration of liberals, who continue to perspire, apparently, without remediation. Personally, I blame this problem on our two-armpit system. Not that a third armpit could stagger the current political impasse, except maybe in a matted hair environment, where an alternative might break the dreadlocks. Do you think that the famous French bell-ringer drives the Hatchback of Notre Dame? Maybe he prefers to ride the Quasi-Moto-Cycle. In France, the Atlantic always approaches shore from left to right, forcing citizens to be right-brine dominant, les droitiers. There, the donkey brays, the chefs braise, the Frenchies tilt their berets.

10 comments:

M. C. Zito said...

Is that Lon Chaney or Dick Cheney?

Anonymous said...

only someone from the rich and exploitative northern hemisphere could write such things. your north-centrism really gets under my craw. -- casey

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

The difference between Chaney and Cheney is like the difference between a scenic overlook and a tsunami of strip mall detritus (i.e., deli, bagel and karate) demolishing the dog house. Even as the former played the hunchback. The director must've thought -- "I've got a hunch about that fellow."

---------BA

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

north-centrism. yeah. we had that in the joint. if you committed a felony, they'd sent you to north-centrism.


--------------------b.a.

Ted Zook said...

Well put, good sir, well put!

mark wallace said...

The Redskins sure could use a right guard and a left guard, not to mention a quarterback and a defense. Still, tied for first. At least until the first wind blows the whole thing out to the ocean.

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Thanks, Ted. I appreciate your kind words. ---------BA

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

I completely agree, Mark.

The Landover Football Team needs an entire system of deodorant, including Right Tackle, Left Guard, Middle Linebacker, Right Cornerback -- and particularly "Strong Safety", who's always a little too funky.

I wonder what "Place Kicker" deodorant is like?

-------------------B.A.

tpw said...

Another knock-out. We must talk about these posts in person someday.

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

you're too kind, TPW. by "talk about . . . in person" i hope you mean a whiskey drink!

thanks as always for your kind words. they mean a lot.

---------------------------------b.a.