Inflation on the Rise

The new penalty for doing 55 in a 40? Arrest & deflation of Hoodie love doll.

It's not enough that the Basket of Goods and Services cost 4.08% more in December, which is up a full 2.00% from the start of last year, but now police are targeting Another Kind of Inflation. Our love dolls. In what has come to be known as "Puffin' em and Cuffin' em," a sting operation from coast to coast has led to the detention, and in some cases, deflation of the dolls, even as these figures have provided a valuable service to American motorists. Designed to Supplement airbags in cars, the love dolls inflate at the minute one car impacts another, offering motorists the illusion of Sex at an otherwise troubling moment. "Or," says an industry spokesman, "the illusion of just about anything. We offer a full array of dolls to represent the spectrum of human possibility: The Just A Friend Doll; The Lead You On Later To Break Your Heart Doll; and The Identity Theft Doll. You'd be surprised at what people would like the illusion of -- while their cars do a cruel, cruel marimba with other automobiles!"

Despite law enforcement efforts to the contrary, Inflation is on the rise. There were more balloons around, for example, in FY 2006 than a any other time in Human History. Lungs are larger and filled to capacity with air and other substances. And egos? Ah, forget about it. Egos, Eggs, and Eggos -- that is, the human "selves," chicken eggs, and commercial frozen waffles -- have swollen, too, and according to some studies, these gains are interrelated. Just as the nooks and crannies of a waffle hold the tender lovely swirls of melted butter and syrup, so does the mind collect, as it were, its grandeur. Just as the mind folds itself over and around its theoretical and emotional ingredients, so does the flipped, stuffed omelette gurgle in the saucepan. Taken to mean "Increase" or "Rise" in the General as well as the Abstract, Inflation is Everywhere and could attain Deity status before long. Until then, should Inflation arrive on your doorstep: take off its boots; give it a glass of scotch; and scratch its freaken Itch.