GOING AGAINST THE GRAIN: A PRIMER ON THE MANY APPLICATIONS OF WHITE FLOUR

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FOR BODY ODOR. Rub White Flour into armpit good. Rub it in there, good. Throw flour onto head, and sit there, flowery. Perform suite of religious gestures. FOR ITCH. Rub itchy area on second person. Let forty-eight hours expire. If second person begins to experience itch then apply White Flour to him or her. Was that effective? Do you still itch? If so, apply White Flour to affected area. FOR GOITER. Be sure you’re not occupying a no goitering zone. White Flour does not condone goitering in a no goitering zone. FOR INFIDELITY. Soothe offending partner with dovelike cooings and other pacific pleasantries. Perform lovemaking as necessary. When offending partner succumbs to the morphine of sleep, bind partner’s arms to bedpost. Arrange for man (or woman) in Batman suit to appear on fire escape. Admit Batman-suited person to premises. Hand him or her container of White Flour. Abandon premises, yourself. Ask no questions, ever again, about anything else. FOR AN ERECTION LASTING LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS. Moisten member. Coat with White Flour. Show physician. Is member still erect? No way! Remit co-pay as directed. FOR GASOHOL. Empty contents of White Flour container into neighbor’s gas tank. Observe neighbor’s ignition strategies over time, including any kicks and slaps to portions of automobile (e.g.,  bumper, tires, odor control tree) that have no ignition function. FOR RUSTIC DESK ORNAMENT. Purchase suitable desk ornament from sightseeing souvenir stand. Drain of water and artificial snow element. Prepare White Flour as for one Griddlecake. Add to ornament and seal. It will appear as if Griddlecake batter fell upon rustic scene. FOR INITIAL PUBLIC OFFERING. Prepare favorite White Flour recipe. (We recommend as for Poultice.) Take outside. Offer it, initially, to public. FOR DIRTY SÁNCHEZ. Is that the same thing as Dirty Harry only with a guy named Sánchez? White Flour recommends that you do not feel lucky, when challenged by Dirty Sánchez. FOR SHINGLES. This is a disease that develops in roofers. If you’re not a roofer, then you won’t acquire too many disorders—e.g., “the gutters”, “the dry-wall”, “the soft wood”—named after building materials. FOR OTHER HEMISPHERES. Stir White Flour in opposite direction, in saucepan. Gain attention of saucier. Present saucepan and sauce for inspection. If saucier interprets presentation as gift, be prepared to surrender (but don’t give yourself away.) FOR COCAINE SIMULATION. Blow White Flour up Stevie Nicks’ butt. FOR GENERAL TSO VARIATION. Shovel White Flour into Stevie Nicks’ butt with chopsticks. IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. Say ‘alleluiah.’ The missiles will fly. FOR MEAL PLANNING. Day 1: White Flour. Day 2: White Flour. Days 3, 4, and 5: White Flour. Day 7: White Flour. On Saturday, we could eat any White Flour we wanted or we could eat no White Flour at all.