FIVE RESOLUTIONS FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE YEAR.

I can cross “Learn Photoshop” off the list, Kitteh.

[1.] Pack a 2013 Survival Kit. I’d have a hard time surviving, over the next few days, without Middle Eastern dips. So, I’d probably hoard a lot of chickpeas. The expiration dates on the cans, however, read 2016. The chickpea economy isn’t, apparently, betting on a late 2013 disaster. I could eat all the Middle Eastern dip, like, straight away. Conversely, I could donate the chickpeas to the needy. (You know: Help the hummus.)

[2.] Get This Punning out of My System. So, a Sea Anemone seduces Eminem. (They have relations.) A while later, a squishy, rapping offspring comes along, an Eminemone. It’s wanted by the law. It’s really wanted by the law. It’s Public Eminemone No. 1.

[3.] Write a ‘Dear Critics’ Letter. In it, I’d acknowledge our Critics-Criticized relationship. I’d look up the word ‘enmity’ in a reputable dictionary, just to be content with its edges, and afterwards, pledge my fondness for their enmity. Without their criticism, I’d reason, I’d probably just topple over, as if I lived, quote, “in the Windy State of Your Criticism, and the wind, of a sudden, ceased to blow.”

[4.] Finally Decide between Blu-Ray and the Cloud. What the hell is Blu-Ray anyhow? Is that someone’s nickname? Like, Blu-Ray Bradbury? (Agh!) Can I put Blu-Ray in the Cloud? I guess on a cloudy day, it’s a lot of Blu-Ray up there, am I right?

[5.] Perfect My Mike Tyson Impersonation. Try this: “Lennickth? Lennickth? Ith that you? Hey, how’th it goin’, man? Shaw, I tried to duck thummya puncheth, but I couldn’t duck awllya puncheth. My cawnah wuth tryin’ to get me tuh defenethtrate you but I nevvah defenethtrated nobody befaw in public. Out-thide a boutique, shaw, I defenethtrated lot-tha people, but nevvah befaw in-thide th’thquared thircle!” See? I’m not quite there.

Happy New Year!