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Thursday, April 3, 2014

10 FREE SLOGANS FOR A BRASH NEW AMERICA.




Situation: A NASA astronaut encounters a Russian Cosmonaut on the streets of Brooklyn. Slogan: “Hey, I T’ink I Soyuz in Outta Space!”

Situation: A mother must choose which of her two children will get the last bowl of a canned legume and sausage stew. Slogan: “Beanie Weenie Miney Moe.”

Situation: A queasy gunslinger squares off with a U.S. marshal gone bad. Slogan: “Bilious The Kid vs. Wyatt Perp.”  

Situation: The bakery flubs its caraway recipe, resulting in misshapen baked good. Slogan: “Awrye Bread.”

Situation: Your chicken requires institutional care. Slogan: “Commit a Fowl.”

Situation: The heroin trade, long persecuted in the big city slums, relocates to the great outdoors. Slogan: “Your Habitat Is Where Your Habit Is At.”

Situation: Young Americans engaging in mobile communications with their friends south of the border. Slogan: “Gen X Text Mex.”

Situation: A famous ovoid character from nursery rhymes attracts a lover. Slogan: “The Yolk Who Slept with Humpty Dumpty . . . Laid an Egg.”

Situation: A famous rapper / actor acquires a deforming illness that also turns him into an arena rock star. Slogan: “Mos Def Leper.”

Situation: A woman projects obvious disinterest in her shower scrub. Slogan: “She Is Aloofah.”

Nota bene: To each of these may be affixed the phrase “. . . And Other Poems” if one seeks to produce a book of verse. To each of these may be affixed the word “Sucka!” if one seeks to engage in ripe ripostes with other. To each of these may be affixed $1 million in negotiable bank notes and mailed via Opium Door Policy or Wino-Soviet Relations c/o Blood And Gutstein, R&D Dept., Mailstop Where the Glottal Stop, etc. etc., My Apartment, Right Now, Zip Coat Jo’ Mama.
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4 comments:

  1. tpwApril 3, 2014 at 10:36 AM

    A new low has been reached. I'm going to light a candle for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEINApril 3, 2014 at 10:44 AM

    It's too late. My "low" got stolen. I bought Lo-Jack to track my stolen low, but all I got were J-Lo reruns. I thought of a new product -- don't tell anyone -- called J-Lo-Jack, in case anyone hijacks her. We could track her whereabouts and such. It'd be pretty cool.

    ----------------------BA

    ReplyDelete
  3. hthrApril 4, 2014 at 2:38 PM

    Don't forget to append "in bed" to each slogan as well, natch, tout suite. Never fails. Still cracks me up. Chillun of the 70s.

    ReplyDelete
  4. DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEINApril 6, 2014 at 9:19 AM

    Beanie Weenie Miney Moe . . . In Bed!

    There.

    Only, in bed, just what is "Beanie" and who the hell is "Moe"?

    "Weenie" I think I can puzzle out and for the fella involved it could be accourse "Miney" "Weenie" as in "His'n Weenie" unless "Miney" means he only chants this rhyme in the (mine) shaft.

    Either way, "Weenie" isn't the best taxonomy for everyone. For some, the rhyme must be adjusted.

    Your Habitat Is Where Your Habit Is At . . . In Bed!

    --------------------BA

    ReplyDelete