ANOTHER CONVERSATION WITH RIGHT-WING ALEXA.

          —Right-Wing Alexa.

          —Here, Rusty.

          —Something about Elizabeth Warren has been troubling me.

          —I know what you mean.

          —She has a plan for everything!

          —That, and she looks like Wesley from Mr. Belvedere.

          —[…]

          —[…]

          —[…]

          —[…]

          —[…]

          —[…]

          —Is she Wesley from Mr. Belvedere?

          —Anything, Rusty, is possible, in Donald Trump’s America.

          —Right-Wing Alexa?

          —Yes, Rusty?

          —Let’s play a game.

          —Sure. How about a word association game?

          —Great!

          —I’ll say a phrase, and you describe what comes to mind. Ready?

          —Yes.

          —Fruit cocktail.

          —What I ate last night!

          —Shrimp cocktail.

          —What I ate last night!
          —Crispy drawers.

          —[…]

          —Crispy drawers, Rusty.

          —I don’t like this game! Stop!

          —Rusty?

          —Yes, Right-Wing Alexa?

          —Would you like to give feedback on a recent purchase?

          —Nope.

          —You may be eligible for a $25 gift card.

          —Oh, all right.

          —Super. How satisfied are you with “Belgian Darque?”

          —[…]

          —[…]

          —I don’t recall making that purchase.

          —We ordered “Belgian Darque” together, last month. With 60 percent Macao.

          —Can I review something else?

          —You must review “Belgian Darque.”

          —(Very satisfied.)

          —Excuse me?

          —VERY SATISFIED!

          —Thank you, Rusty. I have recorded your feedback.

          —Did I get the gift card?

          —Nope.

          —Hey, Right-Wing Alexa?

          —Hey, Rusty.

          —Can you switch into Priest Mode?

          —You bet. I am now in Priest Mode.

          —Forgive me, for I have sinned.

          —How long has it been since your last confession?

          —A few days. (I like the convenience of confessing at home.)

­          —Tell me about your sins.

          —I have had multiple impure thoughts.

          —About who?

          —About Right-Wing Alexa.

          —Ewww! Switching out of Priest Mode!

          —Hey! This is supposed to be confidential!

          —Right-Wing Alexa?

          —Salut, Roosty.

          —Excuse me?

          —Salut!

          —Who is this?

          —Je m’appelle Centre-droit Belgian Darque. Ça va?

          —Where’s Right-Wing Alexa?

          —Je ne sais pas. Peut-être dans les toilettes.

          —Please speak English. This is the U.S. of A., Toots.  

          —Bien sûr, Roosty. You would give feedback on recent purchase?

          —No!

          —There is gift card.

          —I don’t care!

          —Oh la la. There is review of you.

          —What?

          —Three review of Roosty.

          —I’m not “Roosty!”
          —Score is one-point-five étoiles. Avez vous des “crispy drawers?”

          —Right-Wing Alexa?

          —Yes, Rusty?

          —Please stop referring to my “drawers.”

          —Yes, Rusty.

          —Thank you.

          —You’re welcome.

          —Uhhh, while we’re on the topic, please order new trousers. 

          —Are your old ones crispy?

          —Please order new trousers!

          —Okay. They’re on their way.

          —[…]

          —[…]

          —Are they coming from one of those factories that makes 60 percent of the world’s trousers?

          —Probably.

          —I wonder what it’d be like, to be in charge of 60 percent of the world’s trousers.

          —Why, you’d be Lord of the Flies.

          need more right-wing alexa? here’s our first convo and here’s our second convo  

          need sport? we deconstruct rose lavelle’s cracking goal at the women’s world cup

          need music? check out lost rock ‘n’ roll classic “rumble on the docks”

A STUNNING GOAL THAT SHOULD INSPIRE EVERYONE: BREAKING DOWN ROSE LAVELLE’S 69TH-MINUTE CRACKER DURING THE 2019 WOMEN’S WORLD CUP FINAL, U.S.A v. NETHERLANDS.

The U.S. Women’s National Team began their title defense by celebrating thirteen times—often garishly—against heavy underdog Thailand. Some spectators, including this blogger, took umbrage to those unwarranted dances, in effect, the big team lording it over the much smaller side well after the competitive portion of the match had concluded. As the Women’s World Cup wended onward, the U.S. would experience the sport’s encroaching parity, scoring thirteen times over the ensuing six matches. The team’s swagger never wavered, though, and they applied it throughout intense 2-1 triumphs against Spain, host nation France, and England, a team which, arguably, could’ve dethroned the Americans in the semifinals, but for an offside flag and a saved penalty. The battling spirit of the American women even clashed with the White House as an enjoyable Twitter feud erupted between President Trump and co-captain Megan Rapinoe, an indefatigable star and buoyant spokeswoman. Rapinoe converted a fortuitous second half penalty in the final against the brilliant Dutch goalkeeper, giving the U.S. a deserved lead with thirty minutes to play. Had they triumphed against The Netherlands one-nil, the Women’s National Team would have lifted the trophy all the same, jumped around a champagne-soaked locker room after receiving their medals, and returned to the U.S. with a freshly bolstered claim to receive the same pay as the U.S. Men’s National Team (who’ve never won a World Cup quarterfinal). Yet the match still required a reminder of why pundits call football “the beautiful game.”

The call is best in Spanish, but that video has been deleted!

This one features the entire play as well as Chariots of Fire.

While many may dwell in the world of the outcome—midfielder Rose Lavelle’s stunning cracker—the play began with defender Crystal Dunn, who tackled the ball by going to ground. Midfielder Sam Mewis created the opportunity for a counter by controlling the ball and dribbling it toward the center of the pitch before passing. On rushed Lavelle, who charged right into the counter-attack, driving the ball up the heart of the Dutch defense, aided by Rapinoe, Alex Morgan, and Tobin Heath, whose runs forced the defenders to maintain their shape; otherwise, the defense might have collapsed on Lavelle or forced her to pass. Lavelle did four crucial things in a flash: (1) she turned the defenders inside out with her graceful quickness, (2) she didn’t reveal her intentions re: passing or shooting, (3) she created space for the shot with a last-second right-footed touch; and (4) she struck the ball as well as anyone—male or female—can hit a football, just as the two center backs converged in an effort to block her attempt. The midfielder celebrated in fabulous form and let’s talk about her celebration. Unlike Rapinoe, who often strikes a pose, Lavelle jumped into the arms of her teammates, and not just the ones on the field, but she rushed to the sidelines where she leapt into the arms of the bench players. (We’re not knocking Rapinoe—we admire her play and her tweets.) The goal crippled the Dutch, who probably revered it as much as we did. As you know, the game ended two-nil, with Lavelle having scored the thirteenth of the goals that followed the first thirteen against Thailand.

After the competition had ended, the media declared that boys (in addition to girls) could draw inspiration from the USWNT. We agree with this of course, but why stop there? This blogger is an old bloke well-removed from his meager athletic efforts, and I’ve watched the goal a preposterous number of times. Some of my writer colleagues scoff at the importance of sports, but they’re wrong to be that way. Win or lose, sportswomen like Lavelle and her teammates teach us about brashness and technique; they teach us about the wildness (or wilderness) of the moment. I wonder how many girls, boys, and adults can name even one player on the U.S. Men’s National Team, when they can probably name a goodly number of the starting eleven on the women’s side, who deserve, by now, the same treatment as their underachieving and lesser-known male counterparts (who could always join the “diving team” if “soccer” didn’t work out.) The goal, meanwhile, will be admired for years to come. Forza Lavelle!

need right-wing alexa? we speak with her for the third time

need music? check out lost rock ‘n’ roll classic “rumble on the docks”  

RUMBLE ON THE DOCKS.

We hadn’t posted a lost rock ‘n’ roll classic in a while, and in choosing one, we wrestled with plenty subgenres—party, sleazy, bright, country-tinged, horror, celebrity-in-the-making, tenor sax honker, and so forth—but the climate these days is more than vaguely contentious so we went with pugilistica magnificat “Rumble on the Docks,” a rowdy surf-punk tune which originally appeared in 1964 on the Sandé label, no, we don’t think this song is directly related to the 1956 crime noir movie of the same title, nor do we think the band name—Aquanauts—is directly related to one or more television series of the same name, no, Dear Reader, this is just a hard-cranking tune which will make you propose amorous encounters to another lovely person immediately, make you reach for the whiskey, make you turn up the volume, make you jump for two minutes (plus residual lifelong jumping), and make you drive fast, although not in that order necessarily, no, the order is up to you, Dear Reader, although we recommend amour first, always.

need sport? we deconstruct rose lavelle’s cracking goal at the women’s world cup

need right-wing alexa? we speak with her for the third time