The effects of too much Applause.If someone takes your Vitals, make sure to get them back. There is a highly profitable Black Market for Vital Signs these days. A good pulse can be traded for ethnic and ethical fish, alike, whereas a good blood pressure can be sold for Upward Mobility. Don't let them take your Vittles, either. He who is convicted of Appetizer Theft is a Convictual, and those who get pinched more than once, come to be known as Habitual Convictuals. Therefore, if they take your calamari, they're taking your squid, if they sell your calamari, they're getting Quid on your squid, proving, thereby, that "British slang" is, at best, redundant. If, therefore, Herman Melville first conceived of a peglegged captain who chased a giant tentacled beast, but realized he wouldn't earn enough Quid on his squid, he then conceived of a peglegged captain, Mobility Dick, who beat the odds simply by stumping around the Poopdeck. The title of Melville's nautical novel pingponged for years between "Poop Dick" "Dick Poop" "Dick" "Deck" "Dick Deck" and "Deck Poop" before a European Music Star inspired the header as we know it, Moby Dick, a techno-loving Private Eye who scours the sea for a bigoted whale. Beware Applause. No, no, no, should you stand too close to Applause, the bang of the palm against palm, you, too, could catch The Clap. Beware Applause. Signs of The Clap include spontaneous Applause, Applause not-called-for, belligerent applause, plausible applesauce cravings, and Pause. There are, in fact, the Seven Horsemen of the Clap, you can always tell the approach of their steeds by the clopclap, clopclap of their shoes. At that point, there will be little left to do but laud and applaud, for the Madness will be, like, Tentacles in the Tabernacle.
