How does Donald Trump expect Mexican farmers to deliver
avocados after he’s built the anti-Mexican immigration wall? By throwing them?
One at a time? Ostensibly, there could be little avocado-sized holes in the
wall so these super-foods could be kindly passed-through (one at a time) or of
course giant bucket-loads of the fruits could be launched into the Southwestern
United States via catapults. Yes, the Mexican workers would chop the
restraining ropes with axes and lo, the avocados would fly—into our yards, onto
our roofs, into the windows of our Drumpf-fearing children, onto our crumbling
infrastructure, into our floundering eco-systems.
Trump hopes to win the election by banking on the fact that
people won’t feel comfortable voting for the country’s first major-party female
candidate for the White House. In other words, nobody we’ve voted for (except
Geraldine Ferraro) has wielded bosoms. To be fair, though, Mike Pence has
seemed a little jiggly during this election cycle and Drumpf, famously, won’t
release his bust size. To wit, the Clinton-Kaine ticket might be the only one
that can offer gender-appropriate bosoms, busts, ribcages, breastplates, and
pectoralia. (Gary Johnson couldn’t name an international boob who he respected,
so his cleavage won’t be invited to the debates.)
Have you read Trump’s real economic program? Skip to the
part where he envisions, as did Hoover, a uniform measure of prosperity. Where
Hoover promised “a chicken in every pot,” Drumpf selects the automobile—as
opposed to the stew pot—as the homogenous object that will receive the unit of
comeuppance. His plan calls for “A Douchebag in Every Car.” Does he mean an
airbag? Don’t most cars already possess an airbag? Don’t most cars already have
a douchebag (behind the wheel)? Can you imagine GM issuing a douchebag recall?
Can you imagine young hoodlums breaking into cars, just to steal the douchebag?
The country will be Driving Drumpf.
Donald Trump wants to irrigate drivers just before they
smack their foreheads against the dashboard. This, Dear Reader, is what we call
“Meta Fur.” The next time you drink a 40 with your (moderate) Republican chums
on the stoop, tell ‘em, should they vote Hillary, the Republicans can spend
four more years clobbering her, again. She’s more of a Republican than Drumpf,
and there are laws against Democrats impersonating Republicans. Paul Ryan can
chuck impeaches at her. Paul Ryan can impeach Bill Clinton for calling himself
First Man. Adam was the First Man, he was American, and he broke breadsticks in
the Olive Garden of Eden.
Just relax, okay? Eleanor Roosevelt was the first woman to be President
of the United States, so Hillary would be second. But if we vote Drumpf in
November, then Vladimir Putin could become the first sitting Russian leader to
assume the U.S. presidency. Trump can, perhaps, buy-off Putin by offering him
several detained avocados: a super-food bribe to avoid a super-feud! Be vewwwy
vewwwy careful, Dear Voter, be vewwwy vewwwy careful.
