Anemia Per Se

"Darn deez doodles!"

An Appointment can be a Disappointment whereas an Ointment can salve a Disappointment, which may, in fact, remove the Appointment. Luggage is that which you lug; baggage is that which you bag; adage is that which you add. If you want a diagnosis, you will have to settle for a Diagnosis Per Se. Describe your symptoms one month in advance and await your Diagnosis Per Se underneath the oleander, beside the Winded Patient Per Se, the Rattled Patient Per Se, and the Chapped Patient Per Se. Is peat hummous a Canadian legume dip? Does one harvest peat in the classical sense of the word harvest or the classical sense of the word peat? "Repeat" is to "peat again" whereas more than two peats, i.e., a "threepeat", gets you into the whole Multiple Bean Salad Corollary. Kind of like The Eve before The Eve. Next thing you know, we'll be celebrating every blooming day, irregardless of that day's "musty parlors of yore." I think I feel a Germ coming on, I mean, Germ in the singular. Germ became Germs the way McDonald's has served more Cheeseburgers Per Se, than Cheeseburgers. Every American must engage in QUIZ, no Americans must engage in STOUT, some Americans engage in both QUIZ and STOUT, many Americans resent QUIZ and resent STOUT, those (latter) Americans have, for the time being, lost their electric power. Worshipped is a cross between warshipped and horsewhipped and worcestershire and horseradish but The New Church of Ladder Day Saints will be honoring those who have performed miracles "on the rungs" as it were. There are steps to that faith and footholds, too, at the top of the climb Norman Rockwell hands you a burrito; guacamole is $0.50 extra.

Beef Pineapple Robot

Be ruthless. Go for the juggler.

I have become the kind of person who can order biscuits over gravy but not the kind of person who can tolerate the true definition of a Constitutional -- what is, essentially, bicycle chaos. The French grape suffers more than the Chilean grape and more than the Syrian grape, but does it suffer more than the Russian potato? The Walloons ballooned and the Huguenots tied they selves into Huge Knots. People say that they are Walloons do people say that they are Walloons people say that they are Flemish, afterall, as well as Phlegmish. Newspaper titles need to be more flexible. The North County Times, for instance, really should be recast as The North County Good & Bad Times. Whatever the case may be, Southern California has a higher percentage of Experimental Yogis than any other region on the globe. Speaking of which -- said Yogis have much to say on the topics of globulization and Globular Warming. Meat eaters may swallow the fear of the animal but that doesn't mean the meat eaters shall become fearful, in fact, it means that they will become Chicken Satay Robot. Some will become Drunken Noodle Robot while others will become Beef Pineapple Robot. There is no Moo Shu Pork Robot although there is Moo Shu Porkbarrel Robot and his name is Congress. After Tex / Mexy I was Lava / Tory and then I felt human again, i.e., I could, once again, Go for the Jugular or is that Go for the Juggler? The Sea Breeze came face to face with the Santa Ana and the result was When Microclimates Collide. A cute angle is obtuse, when you dream it, all angles are gifts, yours is I Sauce a Lease -- Eye Saws the Police -- Applesauce Please, dig it and "ridic" as in Ridiculous, Citizen, as in the Walloonie Bin.

The Confusion of The Swede

Tip #3: A complex moment. No sudden movements.

The Swede sets out everyday at sunbreak, dressed in blue, in his turtleneck diamond pattern sweater. Nobody ever says "good morning" or "nice axe" or "your postmodern haircut." No, The Swede departs in a silence so Swedish it is Appalachian. To be Swedish is to be sugary-like, to be Sweetish. The Swede takes a nip from his Ass Pocket of Stockholm Glögg and commences to chop. The Swede chops This and The Swede chops That. To be a Swede is to chop, afterall, the wind does he chop and the water, too, in Sweden is a hard, heavy water, in need of regular chopping to effect a kind of order, oh, the chop of the Briny. At times, every Swede faces a band of marrauding foresters who attempt to yank his blue underoos out from beneath his blue trousers, and those Swedes caught in that kind of malevolent horseplay must then live in The Northern Land of the Wedgie, in that, they become Norwegian. That doesn't really happen so much anymore as most Norwegians are a stoic group. At the end of the day, The Swede mutters a time-tested, focus group-tested, market-tested joke that he calls his Nordic joke: "I am Finnished," he says, followed by, "heh heh heh." He has, by then, axed himself and his clan a varmint that he places, each day, in a fresh paper sack, folks, a fresh paper sack. He then walks the sad, isolated, chilly road that leads to the traditional Swedish ski lodge betwixt a spray of spruce pines. It is amazing, thus, in those sub-Arctic moments, with snow weighing down the land, that the woman, in blue top and mini-skirt, comes out of doors, leading the traditional eight Swedish children. We can never see The Swede in that instant, for every such Swede is turned away from the Swedish folk artist who accompanies him home each evening, but that Swede does wield "a searching pride" as he does wield his paper sack: "This life," he thinks. "This varmint. This axe. This Sweden!"

Signs & Symbols

Bend over to sniff perpendicular shark bubbles?

Do you think that Basques ever made Bisques? I know this: Had they ever cooked a jiffy pancake they'd've called the mix BasQuick. If you've been hearing the same goat again and again, then clearly you need Bas Relief. Speaking of which, it may come to pass that all Americans will soon be eligible for Relief. Defined, to each, in his or her own way, of course. Some of us may need money kind of relief; some of us may need spell-you kind of relief; yet others will wish to enter An Era of Regularity, no doubt. Kind of like The Era of Good Feelings except I'd characterize the Feelings as, well, "dependable" and "right on schedule" as opposed to "amicable" and "of orotund fraternization". Keep Dreaming. i.e., That bus is always late. Never not. In the meantime, we'll have to consider the Current State of American Signage versus The Signage That Could Be. For instance, I'd like many signs erected that might warn: Imminent Risk of Dumbass. Or: Imminent Risk, Dumbass. Instead, all we're told is, "It's a quarter mile to the next McNugget", that famous be-breaded Scottish chicken chunk.

Persecution Duplex

For a balmy bonce

There is an upstairs to a complex and a downstairs to a prosecution. All Americans will soon engage in Hypothermia Practice, which is, broadly speaking, band practice without the instruments, uniforms, and sheepmusic. No, that's not a tasket hound, that's a gasket sound. Too many claps on the buttocks nowadays celebrate an insufficient outcome so much so one must come to terms with too many claps on the buttocks. Coffee will now be served during most North American ecological disasters. The terms of the financial bailout are as follows: (1) You may visit "Your Money" once a month on weekends, and (2) "Your Money" is hereafter defined as "Theoretically Liquid." As in, Pisswater, theoretically. A typical Salisbury Steak Frozen Dinner has been fed into a Supper Collider where it is being slammed into Mac 'n' Cheez, Hamhocks & Cornbread, Surf 'n' Turf, and Rigatoni, in the hopes of discovering Quantum Epigastric Development (Q.E.D.) It might be funny to feed Twelve Trillion Dollars of American Debt into the Hadron SuperCollider in the Swiss Palps and see if a black hole will eat it, or just pick at it, if it's not hungry. That's about all we can hope for, otherwise. Son, says the parent, if you work hard, you, too, can grow up. Period. 'Bout all we can hope for, to Grow Up. That night, the son sleeps beside the lyre, and the lion creature devours his dreams. Nobody ever said that.

Das Lunchmeats

The buck stops here. "Indeed."

The rate of surplus value divided by a thirty ought six continued to result in Lunchmeats. There will be, Fellow Citizens, some day, a National Museum of the American Lunchmeats, which will feature papier mache replicas of submarine and other nautical sandwiches. According to the bloated blue mimeograph that the young worshipper relied upon for restroom reading, one should pray to one's guardian angel to help free daddy's skid steer loader from the water table. The cool dew lubricated the deep grass, and that's when the attentional difficulties came on, Religion, Venison, Religion, Venison, although reverence toward one typically resulted in plenty of the other. The neighbor threatened to power up his scraper box. Those were dimestore, jokestore antlers, they had been stapled to the buck's head, if only it were a buck, if only there were carbohydrates, then the opportunity for a bipartisan BBQ may have fruitionated. The Cosmonaut endured his epigastric difficulties because he re-galled the epigastric difficulties of his Cossack forebears and the types of Caucasic Distress they had overcome, and this exercise resulted in the type of Orbital Weightlessness never possible at Dairy Queen or during a snackchips felony. Lunchmeats is a reward system though in the wrong hands Lunchmeats can be a false summit. Consider the DSM-IV Manual of psychiatric diagnoses: no. 823.09 -- Lunchmeats Disorder, Moderate. Symptoms include speaking to Lunchmeats in frank, rational tones, demanding to know what became of Youth. "Give me some answers," the sufferer can be heard to say, whilst harrying an English muffin. The hurricane remnants came through for half an hour. The worshipper's daddy and the neighbor stood there, hands on hips, lamenting how hurricane remnants whuddn't what they used to be. The neighbor powered up his scraper box. The game animal came out of the woods, then -- shoot, it could've been the Duchesser Windsor, but it was Fourth and 2, and Coach was sending out the taxi squad, or so said the Television Set, Religion, Venison, Religion, Venison.

Loss of Beatitude

"Here's lookin' at you, Freezerface!"

Remnants are a loom product and Remnants are the exhaust of a dead storm and Remnants are the hours we typically devote to anxious pontifications or subdued debauchery. Doctors have performed the first Beatific Smile Transplant in history by removing the Beatific Smile from the Arse of a Mr. [censored], and attaching it, bravely, to another man's countenance, thereby restoring Beatific Smile to a second Mr. [censored], who'd suffered Loss of Beatitude. Ah, the tilt of the beret. The receipt of cultural information. It must be Academe, you know, written exams, oral exams, digital exams. Did a dog once Retrieve the entire land mass of Labrador? Rote chores or wrote choirs. To fool the I, to fool the Oeil, trump, trompe, chump, chomp. To attain the rank of Middle Manager is to develop skill sets in correlation with long term goals, or, how to serve that lunchmeat, Inertia, with a side order of Props. Habitat is where your Habit is At. Don't be all, like, up in my face with this "Boers 'n' the Commuter Rail" nonsense because I espied those wild Boers, and heard their "kookete kookete kookete" who says "kookete kookete kookete" anyhow or were those the blooming railroad wheels bracketing toward the municipality of Halethorpe and its adult video landfill? Oh, Sameness of Waterfront Errants, Oh, Every Culture and Its Gravy, Oh, Whap Whap Kneady Jones. To "Whopper the Colonel" is to deliver, yes, a Flame Broiled Burger to a ranking officer, and to deliver a Bent Truth, i.e., Angled Artifice the size of, say, a Dirigable, to a ranking officer, kookete kookete kookete.