The Lost Tribe(s) of Israel: Get Some GPS, Yo

"Shaw-loam! There a Mickey Dee's nearby?"

I'm sick and tired of people claiming to be members of The Lost Tribe of Israel. If you wake up? In the middle of the night? In the dark? Not knowing who you are? In situations like that? Well, according to Lost Israel Authorities, that alone may qualify you for membership. You'll need proof of illegality in every culture, some bagel money, and a uni-sleeve. Take your application down to Local Diaspora Chapter 104, which meets at Club Babylon, Thursday evenings, as soon as three stars twinkle in the eastern sky. Knock three times on the door. Then repeat this biblical excerpt three times fast: "... And God took a McRib from Adam and created the Guilty Meal, three dollars and sixty-five ought cents, comes with 64 oz. sparkling grape juice and a potato kugel." I can see how it's practical, though, to be enrolled in The Lost Tribe. You get to duck out on The Holocaust, for starters. The regular Tribe of Israel jokes tend to wash off your back. More than anything: Annual volleyball tournaments and BBQ with The Found Tribe of Israel.

Of course, when the two groups intermarry, you get a whole new category: The Lost & Found Tribe of Israel. They've got all kinds of sweater bins, coat bins, wallet bins, hat bins, and umbrella bins in which the rest of us can root around. I've heard of magical treasures turning up in said bins: Well-of-Swearing Ass Warmers; Burning Bush Anxiety Powder; and rare copies of King David's guide to middle management: If you want Her, then you got to put Him on the graveyard shift. It is not, however, politically correct anymore to say The Lost & Found Tribe of Israel. You need to say something like The Directionally Challenged & Recently Discovered Coalition of Holy Would-Like-to-Be Peoples. As you would imagine: Everybody is suing Everybody Else. The Lost Tribe suing The Found Tribe. The Found Tribe suing The Tribe. The Tribe suing A Boy Named Sue. It says in the bible that "For forty days and forty nights, litigation covered the earth." Man, how times have changed. Nowadays we've got high-speed Internet. Dig?