Wednesday, May 29, 2013


David et Goliath? Why? Wuz he hongry?

Because, in the bible, duh!, David always wins. There is no other David v. Goliath. It wasn’t exactly a best of seven series. Why is everyone always surprised when David wins? He always wins. Not just in the Old Testament but in the New Tetanus. The minute you say David v. Goliath, Goliath becomes the underdog. He becomes the loser! While David becomes King. Afterwards, Goliath straggles around in the Hillock Region, a self-radicalized wino. He tries Amway for a while. He tags the dumpster behind the College with white spray paint: PRESCRIPTIVISM SUCKS! He becomes an Air Traffic Controller but only after someone has to explain to him that he cannot become the Air Traffic Comptroller—you know, the one who taxes all the Controllers. Goliath just ain’t right. He shows us his chipped tooth, his defeated embouchure. He demonstrates his deviated septum, his sleep apnea. He displays his suborbital bone—nobody has ever orbited around a suborbital bone like Goliath’s bone. He strums his guitar in the Hillock Region, and sings original songs, “Go lieth,” he hums, “go lieth among the bees.” He takes up a cause, does Goliath. Namely, The Bees. Lately, it is Bees v. Monsanto. He writes to Vladimir Putin, and much to his surprise, Putin aligns with Goliath—(brings to the table KGB, gas money, borscht, etc.)—and pretty soon, Goliath starts to look like Goliath again, which, of course, couldn’t be better news for Monsanto. ‘This doggone postmodern unipolar world!’ he laments, ‘there just ain’t no percentage in Goliath v. Goliath.’ He launches an 800 number, 1-800-GOLIATH, where people with Guttural Accents tell Gutter Stories for a pretty Ruble. He intends, through some magic, through some miracle, through some money laundering, to become a 503-C, i.e., Some Kind of David, and confront David as an equal. ‘David v. David could be The New Warfare,’ he deduces, ‘and it’s a whole lotta pebbles in the brook!’

Tuesday, May 14, 2013


It's easy to get hooked on a Hookup.

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming, I am the Spokesperson for The Hookup, and on behalf of The Hookup, I’ve been asked to issue a statement. To begin, the State of the Hookup—is good. We have one ‘he’ and one ‘she’, and while you may happen to know either or both, I am not at liberty to confirm their participation. To be sure, this would be a modern Hookup, and as such, both parties may be single parents who must drive several hours to visit one another. When not together, they keep in regular contact via smart phone emoticons, and I can report that, this week alone, the parties exchanged approximately 15 smileys, 11 devils, and 10 contortions. They have agreed upon a Facebook policy and continue to ‘like’, i.e., ‘thumbs up’ each other’s status updates, especially those that attempt to define their—quite significant—contributions to radical culture. They are drinking socially, they are not smoking apricot hookah, they have both deactivated their online dating profiles, and while this may seem curious, folks, remember: it’s but a Hookup. Neither is lusty; both are trim; each continues to struggle with his or her knowledge of jazz music, despite the overwhelming amount of information available to them in their circles of friends. As far as who’s in charge, well, she’s been acting a bit girlie, but then again, so has he. Many people have feelings for her (I’ve confessed my own) but he’s lovable enough in an ‘ultimate frisbee days-of-yore’ kind of way, hence, a general feeling of ‘live and let live’ should establish itself, one would hope, eventually. Before I conclude, I would like to acknowledge someone in the audience, the General Secretary of the Avant Garde, who informed me that both parties have applied for membership in the Avant Garde, jointly, as a Hookup. Their application is pending. Mr. General Secretary, thank you, and thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am now ready to take your questions.


Please complete in Quadruplicate

1. Do you publicly admonish The Establishment—uttering such phrases as ‘Yeah, right!’ or ‘Up yours!’—even as you have prospered from its policies? 

2. Have you sat on a couch populated by members of the Avant Garde, during a soiree, and refused a space on the couch to an ordinary person?

3. Does climate change threaten you generally, or do you fret about danger to your professional reputation in the face of rising temperatures and swelling seas?

4. If the nation elected a leftist government, would you be prepared to endorse it?

5. How many conspiracies do you contemplate in an average day? Circle one of the following: | 0 | 1 to 3 | 4 to 6 | 7 to10 | 11 or higher |

6. Speaking as an artist, would you describe your collected audience to be situated above or below 25 total persons?

7. Does your favorite animal inhabit the steppe, the wilderness, or the butte?

8. How many times do you congratulate yourself on social media platforms, including, but not limited to updates on the basic activities of daily living?

9. Have you, at any time, in any previous connection, professional or otherwise, smelled like onions?

10. Are you familiar with the military grouping known as the Vanguard, as exemplified by the Burgundy Armies, and adopted, later, by Various Hordes?

If you are applying for Membership as part of a Hookup with another person, both parties of the Hookup must complete questions 1 through 10, in Quadruplicate. Good day.