Sunday, May 17, 2009


The effects of too much Applause.

If someone takes your Vitals, make sure to get them back. There is a highly profitable Black Market for Vital Signs these days. A good pulse can be traded for ethnic and ethical fish, alike, whereas a good blood pressure can be sold for Upward Mobility. Don't let them take your Vittles, either. He who is convicted of Appetizer Theft is a Convictual, and those who get pinched more than once, come to be known as Habitual Convictuals. Therefore, if they take your calamari, they're taking your squid, if they sell your calamari, they're getting Quid on your squid, proving, thereby, that "British slang" is, at best, redundant. If, therefore, Herman Melville first conceived of a peglegged captain who chased a giant tentacled beast, but realized he wouldn't earn enough Quid on his squid, he then conceived of a peglegged captain, Mobility Dick, who beat the odds simply by stumping around the Poopdeck. The title of Melville's nautical novel pingponged for years between "Poop Dick" "Dick Poop" "Dick" "Deck" "Dick Deck" and "Deck Poop" before a European Music Star inspired the header as we know it, Moby Dick, a techno-loving Private Eye who scours the sea for a bigoted whale. Beware Applause. No, no, no, should you stand too close to Applause, the bang of the palm against palm, you, too, could catch The Clap. Beware Applause. Signs of The Clap include spontaneous Applause, Applause not-called-for, belligerent applause, plausible applesauce cravings, and Pause. There are, in fact, the Seven Horsemen of the Clap, you can always tell the approach of their steeds by the clopclap, clopclap of their shoes. At that point, there will be little left to do but laud and applaud, for the Madness will be, like, Tentacles in the Tabernacle.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Think "Textiles" When You Crave a Doobie.

Say "Drugs" to "No" and "Narcotics" to "Nah" and "Dope" to "Nope." What time you got? The time is Now. We cannot, as a Society, separate. We cannot separate (the) State from Salt, (the) Lick from Bone, (the) Dry from Park, (the) Avenue from Light, (the) House from God, and so forth. Can you batch?, we know you can botch, can you butcher, as in slaw?, can you dozen the alternatives?, can you batch? Can you bundle?, we know you can bandy, can you bindle, as in slaw?, can you dozen the alternatives?, can you clump? What time you got at Five past Five? To empower the Trick Question please press "1" on your Rotary Phone. Beware, though. The empowered Trick Question may ask you, trick you, task you, ask. An empowered Trick Question, par example, once interrogated an entire office full of Fraud Investigators, investors, gators, and Frauds, with some slippery Freudian trickery: What time you got at Five past Five? Can you knot?, we know you can knit, can you gnat, as in slaw?, can you dozen the alternatives, can you batch? Say "Dope" to "Nope" if you can separate, and if you can separate, please press "1" on your rotary phone.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


Don't let the math do you.

You cannot call a dead bee a bee. You may call a dead bee a "was" because it certainly doesn't be anything, anymore, aside from a chitinous skeptic. Similarly, a deposed strongman may have a roof over his head but no Despot to piss in, or does that refer to the triumphant Putsch-man, instead? Coups come in all forms, though in one sense, the song of the dove is, therefore, a contradiction. "Coup Coup," sayeth the dove, who otherwise queued for peace. If it were not queue, but skew, then professional standers-in-wait would be Skewers, whether they stilted the curve, or not. Sewers are a sore spot for so-so sowers, go-go goers who gore the gawkers. In the Gawkery. Patron asked Server in Foreign Restaurant for Curry Favor but Server informed Patron that Curry Favor was now Felony. "In these times" or Thereabouts. Which is shorthand for Fisticuffs all around. Which is shorthand for Clenched in Shirtsleeves, light on the Starch Your Own Habits Tat. That which waffled in an apiary could be termed a Bee That As It May, its flanks a Bee Hind, its hive a hairdo, its humanity a-torso, Coup Coup Ka Chew. Putsch your Funny where your Mouth is, Putsch me and I'll Putsch you back, Jack!