Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Anemia Per Se

"Darn deez doodles!"

An Appointment can be a Disappointment whereas an Ointment can salve a Disappointment, which may, in fact, remove the Appointment. Luggage is that which you lug; baggage is that which you bag; adage is that which you add. If you want a diagnosis, you will have to settle for a Diagnosis Per Se. Describe your symptoms one month in advance and await your Diagnosis Per Se underneath the oleander, beside the Winded Patient Per Se, the Rattled Patient Per Se, and the Chapped Patient Per Se. Is peat hummous a Canadian legume dip? Does one harvest peat in the classical sense of the word harvest or the classical sense of the word peat? "Repeat" is to "peat again" whereas more than two peats, i.e., a "threepeat", gets you into the whole Multiple Bean Salad Corollary. Kind of like The Eve before The Eve. Next thing you know, we'll be celebrating every blooming day, irregardless of that day's "musty parlors of yore." I think I feel a Germ coming on, I mean, Germ in the singular. Germ became Germs the way McDonald's has served more Cheeseburgers Per Se, than Cheeseburgers. Every American must engage in QUIZ, no Americans must engage in STOUT, some Americans engage in both QUIZ and STOUT, many Americans resent QUIZ and resent STOUT, those (latter) Americans have, for the time being, lost their electric power. Worshipped is a cross between warshipped and horsewhipped and worcestershire and horseradish but The New Church of Ladder Day Saints will be honoring those who have performed miracles "on the rungs" as it were. There are steps to that faith and footholds, too, at the top of the climb Norman Rockwell hands you a burrito; guacamole is $0.50 extra.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Beef Pineapple Robot

Be ruthless. Go for the juggler.

I have become the kind of person who can order biscuits over gravy but not the kind of person who can tolerate the true definition of a Constitutional -- what is, essentially, bicycle chaos. The French grape suffers more than the Chilean grape and more than the Syrian grape, but does it suffer more than the Russian potato? The Walloons ballooned and the Huguenots tied they selves into Huge Knots. People say that they are Walloons do people say that they are Walloons people say that they are Flemish, afterall, as well as Phlegmish. Newspaper titles need to be more flexible. The North County Times, for instance, really should be recast as The North County Good & Bad Times. Whatever the case may be, Southern California has a higher percentage of Experimental Yogis than any other region on the globe. Speaking of which -- said Yogis have much to say on the topics of globulization and Globular Warming. Meat eaters may swallow the fear of the animal but that doesn't mean the meat eaters shall become fearful, in fact, it means that they will become Chicken Satay Robot. Some will become Drunken Noodle Robot while others will become Beef Pineapple Robot. There is no Moo Shu Pork Robot although there is Moo Shu Porkbarrel Robot and his name is Congress. After Tex / Mexy I was Lava / Tory and then I felt human again, i.e., I could, once again, Go for the Jugular or is that Go for the Juggler? The Sea Breeze came face to face with the Santa Ana and the result was When Microclimates Collide. A cute angle is obtuse, when you dream it, all angles are gifts, yours is I Sauce a Lease -- Eye Saws the Police -- Applesauce Please, dig it and "ridic" as in Ridiculous, Citizen, as in the Walloonie Bin.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Confusion of The Swede

Tip #3: A complex moment. No sudden movements.

The Swede sets out everyday at sunbreak, dressed in blue, in his turtleneck diamond pattern sweater. Nobody ever says "good morning" or "nice axe" or "your postmodern haircut." No, The Swede departs in a silence so Swedish it is Appalachian. To be Swedish is to be sugary-like, to be Sweetish. The Swede takes a nip from his Ass Pocket of Stockholm Glögg and commences to chop. The Swede chops This and The Swede chops That. To be a Swede is to chop, afterall, the wind does he chop and the water, too, in Sweden is a hard, heavy water, in need of regular chopping to effect a kind of order, oh, the chop of the Briny. At times, every Swede faces a band of marrauding foresters who attempt to yank his blue underoos out from beneath his blue trousers, and those Swedes caught in that kind of malevolent horseplay must then live in The Northern Land of the Wedgie, in that, they become Norwegian. That doesn't really happen so much anymore as most Norwegians are a stoic group. At the end of the day, The Swede mutters a time-tested, focus group-tested, market-tested joke that he calls his Nordic joke: "I am Finnished," he says, followed by, "heh heh heh." He has, by then, axed himself and his clan a varmint that he places, each day, in a fresh paper sack, folks, a fresh paper sack. He then walks the sad, isolated, chilly road that leads to the traditional Swedish ski lodge betwixt a spray of spruce pines. It is amazing, thus, in those sub-Arctic moments, with snow weighing down the land, that the woman, in blue top and mini-skirt, comes out of doors, leading the traditional eight Swedish children. We can never see The Swede in that instant, for every such Swede is turned away from the Swedish folk artist who accompanies him home each evening, but that Swede does wield "a searching pride" as he does wield his paper sack: "This life," he thinks. "This varmint. This axe. This Sweden!"