Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Many Sides of Beef

Shame, Shame, Hillshire Farms: False Advertising.

Back in the old days of Grunting and Scratching & Vexing and Flexing, "beef" used to mean one thing only: [censored]. Oh, you know, it came to mean Dispute, of course, verb and noun. One could express a beef, or beef loudly, for example, with one's kinsman. Said kinsman, indeed, could entertain a beef whilst grilling a beef on his Hibachi and, to wit, could Air His Beef, as well. The Airing of the Beef is a Signature Event in most western Psychotherapies, if not at red traffic lamps. Today, of course, with the advent of Jet Travel, beef has become a destination, as well. If, that is, you wish to visit the British Virgin Islands. Then you must travel to Beef Island, like it or not. Many other countries, with eyes toward luring travelers, have strategically placed beef nearby airports, and in many cases, within airports, thereby making beef, [censored], available as part of most itineraries. It has also, beef has, come to mean substance. In a famous moment in U.S. Political History, Ronald Reagan (R-Calif.) asked Walter Mondale (D-Minn.) "Where's the beef?" after the two had sat down together for Psychotherapies. I believe that Mondale still, to this day, seeks the beef. As in, he pursues both a beef and the beef, ad nauseum, museum da, to his own detriment. That's what one did, in the old days: Pursued a beef to one's own detriment. Nowadays, you can't even tell a rufous bird from a man, "Roofus," who resembles a slanted overhead shelter. The Beat Generation had its chance. I call upon a New Generation of Americans -- The Beef Generation -- to stand up. Organize your Beefdoms, your Coral Beefs. Together, we march as One Flank, One Loin, One Shank, One Rib, One Tib, One Round, One Skirt, One Roast, One Ground.

Friday, May 23, 2008

America's Crumbling Infer-structure

Hardly a new trend in law enforcement.

You've got libel and you've got liability. The mouse found in the oleo. You've got stock and you've got crackpot. Aunt Ratchet and Unka Work Release. The star of the band, according to Dizzy Gillespie, is not you. Not you. Not you. The Authorities have decided upon This Year's Heroes and you must now worship them. The authorities have also decided upon This Year's Gyros and you must worship This Year's Heroes while eating This Year's Gyros. Those who do not engage in worship of any kind will be Violated. If your worship will deviate from the Parameters, then you must apply for a Waiver. The office, however, is closed, and the forms, nevertheless, are broken. The people who can (1) open the office and (2) mend the Waivers have declared themselves unfit for service. There are no other people. Therefore you must worship within the scope of the Parameters. Otherwise, you will be Violated. Worship, we should note, includes Calories. We should also note that Calories is defined as Parts. You may not qualify for worship unless you have consumed many Parts. Therefore, according to the transitive property of mathematics, we can assume that Calories will worship This Year's Heroes. It is 1957 on the CD player. It is Newport, at that. The star of the band is not you, according to Dizzy Gillespie. Not you. Not you. It is Pee Wee Moore. May your weekend be filled with Notes so pleasant as Moore laboring over his saxophone (bari). Less Labor. Moore laboring. Happy Holiday, Folks. Cheers and beers.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

If You Bring Strange Fire Before the Lord

The Lord's SmitePad: Thy Smittance Approacheth

If you bring strange fire before the Lord, the Lord may (1) raise your rent, or (2) smite you with Vibrato. "Well, pickle my herring," I say. I say, Vibrato derives from the Latin, "Vibratus," which is translated, literally, as the Rabbit that eludes the Snow Cat. There was, too, apparently, a man named Vibratus, and he wrote, and his writings, known as The Collected Sheathes of Vibratus, featuring such works as "Acey Ducey" and "Vicey Versey," were very powerful, according to Thucydides, and he was, Vibratus, thus appointed Vibrator of the Lower Duchies. There is, to this day, a Vibrator of the Lower Duchies, and his role, though largely ceremonial, is, according to the Chinese Instruction Manual, "to achieve Vibrato in a calm and confident manner, such as would lead people to pronouncements of personal discovery -- that, or lead them to drum madly in the woods." And then, read the Postcolonial novel, "The English came."

There are big kids who live in Hershey, Penna., as well as little kids who live in Hershey, Penna. -- you know, Hershey Squirts. It means either "Buttocks" or "choking the Coach" when a Corporation acts. Where else would the violinist live, but in Upper Caucasia? You may apply a poultice to yourself or you may apply a poultice to poultry or you may apply a poultry to yourself or you might apply for a job at the Great Pince Nez / Nez Perce Susurrus of 2008. Someplace in this country, a man who wields some power is demanding his Bib. It is furthermore conceivable that a man named Posey is fetching that Bib. "Posey," says the former, "bring me my Bib!" At the end of the workaday, people ride conveyances toward destinations, with their iPods and their Debt. Call it "The Sum of the Songs at Nightfall." We have, collectively, set our Vibrato on Vibrate. Is it the Funeral for our excess Qualities? Or the Qualities of our excess Funeral?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

MacBeth, Explained -- Read On

"Quit deforesting my #$&!-ing $%&*," sayeth They.

The fact is, Trees do talk, even if they do it chemically. "For the record," they say: "Fetish ain't no river in Serbia though Fettoosh is a salad in Syria." But Salads, Folks, are Trees, like it or not, and those Trees are talking a lot of gibberish about Toe Jam and Futbol Scores, etc., that the Syrians swallow when they eat they Fettoosh. And by Syrians, I mean Syria, Ohio, eh? The Trees, moreover, predicted that the Cavaliers would defeat the Celtics in 6 games, but Superdelegates would award the series, anyway, to Boston. Okay. Kay. Kay. Kay. A Tree and a Rabbi walk into a Lumberyard. Or is it a Tree and a Rabbit walk into a Lumbaryard? A Priest and Poplar? A Debutante and a Doppler? Lots of talk about "Eras" in Our Great Nation. We live in The Associative Era, no matter what, meaning that you cannot, repeat: cannot, even sit next to someone in a waiting room without being blamed for their Obese Cultural Value Set. Consider that the next time you sit beside an Elm, a Sugar Maple, a Hickory, a Ficus, or a Fettoosh.

Do you think that, when he wrote, "Great Birnam wood to high Dunsinane hill," Shakespeare was thinking of a classic hard-on? It's poetry, Yo, so it has millions of possible interpretations. Mine is, the Bard had a (massive) morning woody whilst staying in his lodge at Birnam, i.e., "Great Birnam wood," and had to otherwise depart immediately with Mrs. Bard "to high Dunsinane hill," and thus, the whole experience served as an inspiration for his famous, and lethal, Scottish play, MacBeth. Don't listen to your English proffs. The F do they know, anyhow? (That's a pun, folks.) I'm not much of an actor -- I do play a small role in National Geographic's RAT GENIUS -- but it's not a recurring role and I have not, Ahem, seen any royalties yet -- but I do hear that actors are loath to participate in a staging of MacBeth, because, apparently, the play is cursed. I think that a Japanese film company should produce Hamlet vs. MacBeth. In it, I would expect MacBeth to kick Hamlet's ass, even though Tokyo and outlying Prefectures would be devastated in the struggle. "Domo!"