Tuesday, February 12, 2013


John Wayne played all great Americans including Atilla the Hun

Many Americans cannot distinguish between the Civil War and the Revolutionary War, and for those fair citizens, it’s important to remember that the combatants were very polite to one another in the Civil War. In contrast, the combatants in the Revolutionary War circled around each other endlessly. When the action dipped below the equator, the combatants revolved around each other in the opposite direction. This was very tiring, as you might imagine, and the Revolutionary War soldiers, as a result, enjoyed far better levels of fitness than their well-mannered counterparts in the Civil War. Interrogation techniques in both conflicts derived from the olden days of Atilla the Hun—himself, a fine American—in that one interrogator would loosen-up a prisoner with good wordplay, before another interrogator would thump the prisoner’s mind with bad wordplay: they played Good Pun, Bad Pun, the way Atilla’s soldiers played Good Hun, Bad Hun when they captured a Gaul or a Visigoth or someone from the Jersey Shore. Rations were important, as you might imagine, and soldiers in many American conflicts have enjoyed such battlefield delicacies as Pimp-Slapped Chicken, which had been slapped by Free Range Pimps. The fine saucier, Prego, made many pasta sauces for the troops, and didn’t forget the soldier’s wife, either, she who might be ‘with child’ there, on the home front. For her, Prego offered Preggo, a very nourishing sauce that sustained mothers-to-be. Unmarried doughboys—whose sugar-pies were many miles away—frequently gave into temptation, and took up company with other damsels. Oftentimes, these men acquired Making Whoopie Cough, and required medical attention. Precious time was lost, at first, when doctors were forced to choose between a crème and a cream, but in the end, a lotion was developed. It returned those ailing to a state of Merely Human, but scientists tried to cure states of Merely Human first with shots and inoculations, before settling on a booster. After both wars (Civil and Revolutionary) came to an end, America really got to focus on deeply ingrained societal imbalances, and toward this end, a movement known as The Tee Party met regularly on the Golf Course in small, exciting shirts. The most famous member, an actor known as Bogey, ran for president, but finished one over par, as his putz came up just a little too short.

Friday, February 1, 2013


They should be forced to walk the gangnam plank!

Ever feel like your exact lookalike is leading a large crowd in the latest popular dance craze? Well, it’s a phenomenon known as DoppelGängnam Style, and it’s a reminder that there are very few fine lines anymore, anywhere, at all. Have you ever sat down to a warm, delicious bowl of Chili Con Carne? Now there’s Chili Con Carny, or a bowl of chili to be consumed alongside someone who operates a grab booth at the funfair. Then, the two of you go for drinks, and your companion orders an Irish Carbuncle. Irish carbombs, she says, remind her of Mel Tormé, and Mel Tormé reminds her of tiptoeing through a Chuck E. Cheese. In any event, I can’t wait to watch PSI: Miami—the show in which crimes against proper inflation are investigated. The song, “Wheat No Butter”, plays in the background, and the song, as you may imagine, describes a very different world of vice. A world in which Febreze w/Hint of Foreclosure is vended, a world in which Febreze w/Hint of Stalin is vended, a world in which Febreze w/Hint of Cholesterol is vended. There is no Harveys Bristol Cream in this vision, and there’s no Brylcreem, either, but there is Harveys Brylcreem, even as Harvey’s any old Harvey, and his Brylcreem’s a recipe handed down from bloke to bloke. The exotic entertainers at The Beef Brothel sure do make a mean consommé but the keyword—beef—you know, refers to a different kind of gripe. Such as: Who Let the Dogs Out? I mean, that’s not the relevant question. You’ve let the dogs out, I’ve let the dogs out, we’ve even thrown the dogs a squeaky Kong, but that’s not the question, no, the question is: Who’s been screwing the pooches after they’ve been let out? Because the pooches are coming home mighty uncooperative, they won’t sit, stay, roll over, etc., and they have hoity toity looks on their faces, as if to say, Hey: Dawg: What happens in the Hedge stays in the Hedge!