Monday, January 25, 2010


"I Like Gravy"

Rabbit, Come Out the Bewilderness, O, Rabbit, Come Out the Bewilderness. The word "collaborate" no longer suggests the arrival of a double bass and submarine sandwiches for all but a "Corporate Strategy Session" with a man named Hammer. Having a "career" is all about not "careering" out of control, i.e., having a good careen after swilling some of the poteen. No, it would not be a good "career move" to career. To my knowledge, only one man -- me -- has ever depreciated all the telephone poles in the United States, and the answer, I came to, was: This job sucks. We should've, instead, depreciated all the rabbit suits in the United States. If the lawsuit fits, wear it, I suppose, unless you're being sued for impersonating a career. "Think outside the lunchbox," says Hammer. When, all of a sudden, the smoked salmon arrives. And that's really why I agreed to depreciate all those telephone poles -- in the hopes that, one day, I could toss my big, fat tie over shoulder and really dig into an everything bagel. O, Rabbit, Come Out the Bewilderness, O, Everything Rabbit, Be Wild, Come Out the Bewilderness. Listen: Okay, kay, kay, ours is not a land flowing with milk and honey. It is, nevertheless, a land flowing with biscuits and gravy, its inhabitants be as numerous as depreciated phone poles, and Lo, they shall revel in the very cholesterol of their imitations, huzzah!

Friday, January 15, 2010


Uff Da!

The men and women of Salamis are Salamis. If they have more than one salami tree -- and more than one salami -- then these, too, are Salamis, everything is Salamis. It is called Uff Da if a penguin jumps in Minneapolis and Uff Da if a Penguin jumps in Norway. They have all the same kinds of adages -- Minnesotans and Norwegians -- except that they have no magnetic birds. They must, instead, have a fish in-hand, if they want to effect change upon them penguins in the hedge. Adjectives, however, is a different story, when it comes to modifying adages. Can one slop a penguin? And if so, would one slop it with scripture? Many times I have seen people -- who call themselves cultivated -- slopping fowl with scripture. Is Irish sorcery the O'Cult? Maybe, and maybe not, but what must the Persians be thinking, still, after all these years? They failed to capture Salamis in The Battle of Salamis, in part, because, the Greeks harvested the Salamis first, and chased the Persians in angry-mob-style, wielding Salamis. Uff Da, in Norway, and Uff Da, in Minneapolis. Had the Persians triumphed, would the penguin have ever leapt toward a wielding of seafood?