Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Wearing the Lampshade ---- Forever

Squirrels don't just die -- they go to The Big 60-Watt in Omaha


I once bought a muffin mix that advertised "artificial blueberries." Just what the heck is that, exactly? It's not a blueberry or else it would be a blueberry. It was, I must conclude, a substance made to resemble a blueberry in any number of ways: texture; odour; psycho-emotional hangups. I assume that the antioxidant qualities were simulated, as well. If I was what I ate, then I was artificial blueberry. We, as Consumers, have grown accustomed to / swallow hungrily replicas of our cherished foodstuffs. So much so, there has been a backlash, much in the spirit of TV programming, a countercultural movement that has led to the use of the word, "Real." That same muffin mix now has "real blueberries" -- like that's some big Favor -- and we apparently use "real squirrels" in all our lamps, where artificial squirrels once ruled. To the point where corporations will Reinvent the previous version of a product. You remember how Coke became Classic Coke. It's not going to be long, mark me, before we have Classic Artificial Frog Clocks or Classic Real Rabbit Nightstands.

Just what is the word, Real, though, anymore? Real, as in Quite a Bit. Real, as in Not Hypothetical, as in Verifiable or Proven to Be the Case or Not Made from Air. Real, as in the Informed Choice of Two or More Options. The Squirrelest. The Verifiable Squirrel. Of Squirrels, the Hardcore Squirrel. Which is a fine segue into Politics. We have, for instance, McSurge, on the one hand, versus either Hillarious or Classic Artificial Hope. Americans will have to decide. What kind of decision will it be? Will it have lots of calories or will Taxidermists pause in their work, as the Electoral College votes, this November, while record temperatures encourage the critters to bound and abound? Who's courting the Taxidermist vote, I wonder. O, Taxidermists of Omaha, Nebraska. O Taxidermists of the Lower Forty Eight, What Say Ye? Will we have four more years in the Dark Ages? Will we Knowingly Elect Our Finest Candidate? Shall the Squirrel Illuminate Our Way of Life?

9 comments:

mark wallace said...

I wish the Real True Squirrel Lamp was running. I'd vote with pride for the Real True Squirrel Lamp. As it is, though, I'll vote for the Democrat, whosoever he or she may be.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Perhaps either Hillarious or Classic Artificial Hope will put Real True Squirrel Lamp on the ticket. It would be, as it were, that Real Classic Hope/Squirrel kind of ticket. ---BA

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Agreed. Whereas Hillarious and McSurge are The Classic Antlers of Politics. xo ---BA

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Let me say that again:

The Hope / Squirrel ticket.

A real winner in November.

---BA

RITA said...

I once bought Spotted Dick Pudding with "artificial spotted dicks."

keepin' it REAL,
RITA

PS: Mike Huckabee used to fry squirrel in a popcorn popper when he was in college. Now there's a motherfucker we can believe in--vote for that guy.....

RITA said...

PPS: Dying with the lampshade on--

mark wallace said...

I don't think Real True Squirrel Lamp is going to make it onto the ticket. However, as one of the not-actually-elected Superdelegates, he can still exercise some Squirrel Power.

Maria said...

this is way too squirreal for me...trippy...

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Beware the man or woman who claims to have a critter in the attic -- when he or she has no attic. That's all I'll say. ---BA