Tuesday, March 4, 2008

British Subjects & Other Spellings

Ye Olde Royal Rippe?


March 5th is Fast Food Month, folks. You can go down to Wendy's and order some DQ. You can go down to NASCAR and order some Staying Powder. You can go down to Borders and order a Dipsy Do. The next four months go as follows: March 6th is White Noise Month; March 7th is Road Rage Month; March 8th is Wet Burp Month; and on March 9th there will be a Flatulence Mitigation Seminar entitled "You Cut Them Blind Mice Farts." Erupt / Elect / Erect / Eluct. Birch / Batch / Botch / Klatsch. Eegie / Wedgie / Nietzsche / Moe. Catch a candidate by his . . . Lying Ass. "Spare Change We Can Believe In." Now that's a Real Slogan Whose Time Is Now. Change is something you should beg for, after all. When we say British Spellings, we mean "Sirrah, the latrine stinks." We mean "Sirrah, adjust your Pince-nez immediately." We mean "A tossed salad doth maraud the virgins, Sirrah." Yes, the brisket. Yes, the hills. Let us digress in all the familiar ways:

Should it not be One Drink Minimum // Two Drink Minima? If you've got to tell people that they need to drink three drinks, we've moved beyond what I'd call Standard Practices and into the realm of Problem. The Bard sang of his Cougar: "40 inch bust -- BAHdum -- 40 years old -- BAHdum -- 40 inch waist -- BAHdum -- and a 40 ounce malt liquor in my haaaaands -- she's my 40/40/40/40 gal, and I love her yes I doooooooo." To whit: A particle is here and a particle is there. It is the same particle, simultaneously. A man is here and a man is there. If his alibi doesn't hold up, that is. Try it again. A man is here and a man is there. It doesn't work, does it? "Every rat needs his hole," said an elderly gentleman to me, one day. He was renting a bachelor apartment in my building, even though he was married, and lived with his wife. True, the ceiling had just fallen down on him, but he was cheerful, and that should be a lesson to us all. BAHdum.

2 comments:

RITA said...

Every raccoon needs his attic.

Birch Bayh for President!

-RITA

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

To the raccoon, yes, goes the attic. Oy. BA