Learn how to drink this, the best STOUT on earth.
Primer can be pronounced “primmer”
or “pry-mer.” “Roight!” [1.] preparatory exercises. One must consider
Limberings of the Ligaments when preparing for “a touch of the STOUT.”
Fingerpoppings as it were. Recommended, if necessary, are delectables,
spectacles, shower & shave. You must be at least 25 pct. properly attired,
i.e., haberdashery, if you will, but you needn’t check your skepticism. do not persist in any sort of
referential mania, such as gratuitous politicking. [2.] incantations &
recitations. En route to the saloon, engage in a traditional chantey,
such as: “I drink a drink / and I skip a drink / and when I skip a drink / I
drink a beer.” Yodelings are often necessary, given the circumstances, as well
as Jello slappings. If you must, recite a chapter from Because It Is Bitter & Because It Is My STOUT. do not pray to the volcano, the
hurricane & the mongoose simultaneously. [3.] at the pub. Roight!
If there is but one STOUT on the premises, order a STOUT. Otherwise, request
the house menu. When deciding among STOUT, we suggest skepticism (see above)
re: anything Walloonie, Walloonie Bin & Metrosexuale Belgique. Your STOUT
may appear before you in a goblet. We suggest that you weather this indignity
with casual modesty. do not bum rush
the STOUT. [4.] what to expect: The nose should admit a
waft of the roasted malt, if not a waft of the roasted barley, among other
suitable trails. The cap should ride your STOUT, even as it thins, to the
bottom of the glass, leaving behind a nice latticework to the sides. The
mouthfeel shall be creamy & appropriately carbonated, as the aftermath
shall not be boozy. Lo, the STOUT shall deliver a pleasant bitterness & ye
shall deliver an appropriate sum, therefore, to the barkeep. If you have needs
to make water, make water. do not hesitate,
upon your return, to order another pour. [5.]
feeling good about yourself. Hoist
your second STOUT & have a look around the saloon proper. Say “Hey, Mama”
with your eyes. Say “mon petit oiseau
bleu” with your eyes. By then the antioxidants brewed into your STOUT shall
have informed your corporeal salubriousness. The eyes of others shall behold
this radiance in solidarity. do not suddenly
conceive of a life to be spent with excessive creams & oils & robes
& hairshirts. [6.] a word on porter & black ipa. You
may swill English porter & American porter however you wish. You may swill
strong ales & black ipa however you wish, although there is a suggested
donation of $5 per pint, payable directly to our bar tabs. You may not, under
any circumstances, swill any other kind of ales & lagers, if you expect
extraordinary favors from us. We define ‘extraordinary favors’ as repeated
validation of your radical stances (we ain’t no parking lot!) & anything
morally abdominal. do not, however,
forget your whiskey flask! [7.] walking home. Beware the temptation of
the empanada. Beware the temptation of the meatloaf special. Beware the
temptation of the slice, jumbo & otherwise. Beware the temptation of the
sha cha chicken. Beware the temptation of rare oop on vinyl. do not eat rare oop on vinyl! [8.] appendix
i: the trajectory of a debauch. When contemplating a debauch, consider
the Lo-Hi Crescendo: English Porter, American STOUT, Double STOUT, Imperial
STOUT. Reversely, the Hi-Lo Crescendo operates from Imperial (~10.0 pct ABV) to
Double (~8.3 pct.) to American (~5.8 pct.) to English Porter (~4.8 pct.) You
may substitute an Oatmeal STOUT for an American. To wit, there are other trajectories,
as well. There are, collectively, The Wounded Capuchin, The Chorus Girl &
the Chaise Longue, The Spouse & The Souse, The Gravestone Rubbing & The
Intercontinental Ballistic STOUT-drinking Trajectories. [9.] appendix ii: on
sessionable stout & sessionability. We endorse a plain-roasted, plain-bitter
American, Irish, or Oatmeal STOUT for STOUT-drinking “sessionability”—meaning
that, Ladies & Gents, you could drink flagons of these in sequence, without
getting all knockout-y, knock-need-y & knock-knock-y. Your friends at BAG
have sampled upwards of 750 STOUT / porter over the past several campaigns, &
while we haven’t sampled every brew in the world, we are ready to endorse
Sierra Nevada STOUT as best-in-sessionability, Founders Breakfast STOUT as
all-around-best-in-STOUT & the Founders suite of dark beers, Porter, Breakfast
STOUT, Imperial STOUT, Kentucky Breakfast STOUT, et al., as the greatest such
suite available in bottle & draught. [10.]
faq. Q: Does STOUT increase
performance? A: Ask Zenyatta, the champion race horse, who lapped it up, so to
speak, every day. Q: Must I complete a Solemn Round of Industry in the morning?
A: Yes, if you intend on drinking any more STOUT. If you drink STOUT, however,
the Round of Industry may seem a little less Solemn than for non-STOUT
drinkers. Q: Who is the most famous STOUT drinker in the history of the world?
A: Catherine The Great, Tsarina Extraordinaire, Commissar & Commissioner of
the Russian Imperial STOUT. Q: Will STOUT make me hungry? A: Have a wafer, Lads
& Lasses, if you develop a touch of the famine. Roight!
2 comments:
Sup on! In the winter of 1945 when my father got home from fighting in Burma and was out of hospital the doctor gave him a prescription for two bottles of Guinness a day "to get his strength back". I remember often walking with my mother several miles in the snow to the one off-licence that stocked the fluid. Civilisation.
'S up! There are many things to celebrate in this story, Tom. First -- a twist on the whole "walking several miles in the snow" when that used to mean trudging off to school, or fetching fuel for the fire + allied + sundry vocations. This time, you were going for your dad's Guinness. The second is the quality of the prescription. Doctor-prescribed STOUT for good health. Well, we now know that Guinness and other STOUT has antioxidants, and generally speaking, fewer calories than other beer. It dilates the blood vessels just so. I don't see why we need to wait for the doctor, though. Self-medicating, is the way to go.
I really appreciate this story. Thanks for the comment, and great to hear from you! I hope that all is well.
Right!
----Blood And
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