Tuesday, February 12, 2013

AMERICAN HISTORY 101.

John Wayne played all great Americans including Atilla the Hun


Many Americans cannot distinguish between the Civil War and the Revolutionary War, and for those fair citizens, it’s important to remember that the combatants were very polite to one another in the Civil War. In contrast, the combatants in the Revolutionary War circled around each other endlessly. When the action dipped below the equator, the combatants revolved around each other in the opposite direction. This was very tiring, as you might imagine, and the Revolutionary War soldiers, as a result, enjoyed far better levels of fitness than their well-mannered counterparts in the Civil War. Interrogation techniques in both conflicts derived from the olden days of Atilla the Hun—himself, a fine American—in that one interrogator would loosen-up a prisoner with good wordplay, before another interrogator would thump the prisoner’s mind with bad wordplay: they played Good Pun, Bad Pun, the way Atilla’s soldiers played Good Hun, Bad Hun when they captured a Gaul or a Visigoth or someone from the Jersey Shore. Rations were important, as you might imagine, and soldiers in many American conflicts have enjoyed such battlefield delicacies as Pimp-Slapped Chicken, which had been slapped by Free Range Pimps. The fine saucier, Prego, made many pasta sauces for the troops, and didn’t forget the soldier’s wife, either, she who might be ‘with child’ there, on the home front. For her, Prego offered Preggo, a very nourishing sauce that sustained mothers-to-be. Unmarried doughboys—whose sugar-pies were many miles away—frequently gave into temptation, and took up company with other damsels. Oftentimes, these men acquired Making Whoopie Cough, and required medical attention. Precious time was lost, at first, when doctors were forced to choose between a crème and a cream, but in the end, a lotion was developed. It returned those ailing to a state of Merely Human, but scientists tried to cure states of Merely Human first with shots and inoculations, before settling on a booster. After both wars (Civil and Revolutionary) came to an end, America really got to focus on deeply ingrained societal imbalances, and toward this end, a movement known as The Tee Party met regularly on the Golf Course in small, exciting shirts. The most famous member, an actor known as Bogey, ran for president, but finished one over par, as his putz came up just a little too short.
 

8 comments:

Geopoulos said...

great, dan. taking on an american icon like john wayne? really showing your stripes, buddy.

Anonymous said...

dude this si so wacky! youre wacky! DAVE says so. he's still my mom's LOVER. i'm at enormous state college which sucks. colllege doesn't teach you anything.; what does it teach you? that college sucks! anyhow how are you doing? (i'm typing this in econ) (me: back of the room, pretending to take notes but doing all kinds of other stuff!) GINUH

mark wallace said...

They really line up for that chicken. I know because I've seen it myself.

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

To the Commentraitor iconopoulos -- thanks again for your input. You put the "fracture" in "prune" dawg if you know what I'm saying. Keep working them little weights. In no time, you'll have enough proper (political) muscle to whiff a fart in the Republican men's room. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BA

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

GINUH: have your profs gotten on you about them typos or what?? AUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHH. But yeah, I doubt you'll learn much in college. The key thing is to have a good time -- and fill out any loan forms with aliases -- or with DAVE'S name. Keep in touch yo! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BA

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Mark:

so much depends upon a red wheelbarrow glazed with rainwater beside the pimp-slapped chickens.

you bet.

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Surrendor said...

Your style of writing is incredibly entertaining, I enjoyed it thoroughly! More updates please!!

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Hello Manchester,

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate them.

Cheers,

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