Thursday, July 13, 2017

CULTURAL AFFAIRS WEEK NO. 2: LIST OF ACTIVE CONSPIRACY THEORIES.



When we run out of liquid assets (and we will run out of beer) perhaps our bankers will lend a hand, lend an ear, you know, a personal loan from an actual body. Let’s deconstruct the moment when a man claiming to be Jackson Shiitake knocks on your door: (1) He prefers to be called “Jack” and (2) “Jack” Shiitake doesn’t know jack sheet-music about the mushrooming morel of the story. The elk prefers a member of its ilk (who is an elk) and owing to a sense that its ilk has been bilked out of funny-money honey-bunny, the Elk would like to Lodge a complaint. Behold, dear citizen, the Sneeze-Fart Combo also known as Novelty Government U.S.A. “Please refer to the press kit,” says representative of Sneeze-Fart Combo, when asked about a list of active conspiracy theories. The press kit sits beside the steamship round of beef electric carving kiosk, and contains, does the press kit, an expository essay (entitled “Meineke Kampf”) that describes the political need to muffle, to muzzle, to squelch. What’s Happening!! comes on TV. There’s Fred Perry, in the red beret and suspenders, popping around as his character, Rerun. There’s Fred Perry haplessly chasing the pickup truck, wind-milling with futility. You’re watching a rerun of Rerun running (and re-running) after the vehicle in which Raj and Dwayne have achieved a comfy existence. Nowadays, your potato rental doesn’t include utilities, your snifter rental doesn’t include utilities, your venison rental doesn’t include utilities. (You gotta pay alternating current, you gotta pay landfill, you gotta pay sports drink, you gotta pay fossil fuel.) Buddy, I know of only one society that can boast hundreds of names for “The Imbecile,” or pronounce it “IN-BUH-SOYLE,” if you prefer poetry.



Cultural Affairs Week 2017 Editorial Schedule
List of Active Conspiracy Theories
Jobs & Job Market


6 comments:

mark wallace said...

Sooner or later, it always comes down to utilities because NO ONE WILL PAY FOR THEM.

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Utilities is a major conspiracy. Which makes them not very utilitarian. It's also a conspiracy to call utilities "utilities." If they called utilities "alligator luggage" or "fashion dress boot" (e.g., "chukka") or "boutique strawberry puree" then I think we'd have a slightly more accurate sense of our environs.

----------------------------------------------------BA

Phyllis R said...

Now I am really scared.P.

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

It is scary times, that's for sure, but we can laugh, we can joke, we can swill of the ales and stouts about us, we can gather together as colleagues and weep -- in a cathartic way -- as appropriate, into our onion soups. It's not a bad vision, them onion soups! Thanks for having a look, Phyllis. --------------------------BA

Ted Zook said...

Roight!

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Roight.