Thursday, May 14, 2015

ARE YOU OVERLY INVOLVED IN THE LIVES OF EVERYDAY ANIMALS? TAKE THIS FREE SURVEY.




Scrutinize the photograph above. What do you see?
(1) An everyday helpmeet sentenced to serve hard time in a head prison
(2) An everyday helpmeet riding mass transit in a fashion head prison
(3) An everyday helpmeet
(4) An everyday helpmeet in an everyday helmet on the way to hell-mist or hazmat

Choose the best deconstruction of the phrase “Mr. Edipus Wreaks Haddock”:
(1) Mr. Ed
(2) Oedipus Rex
(3) Wreaks havoc
(4) A talking horse that has longings for his mother and goes wild like a popular food fish

When you encounter the term “house amber” what does it mean to you?
(1) In every family house lives a woman named Amber
(2) In every publick house toils a woman named Amber
(3) Michelob Amber Bock
(4) A night of debauchery that will surely conclude itself in rooms going all whirlybird

Characterize the everyday animals that are most likely to jump out of the curtains:
(1) Burrowing sycophant creatures
(2) Back door beasts
(3) Raptors with glass hearts
(4) Reptiles out on work release

Which of the following categories best describes you?
(1) I have been the best man at a divorce
(2) I have been the maid of honor at a divorce
(3) I caught the garter at a divorce
(4) I caught the bouquet at a divorce




In regards to the picture above, have you recently been the victim of:
(1) Status electricity
(2) Status electricity and the peckings of cage-free Huns
(3) Status electricity and marital law as supervised by martial bliss
(4) Status electricity and the smart-phone poet, Anne Sexting

How many times have you been attacked—in the past month—by an everyday animal?
(1) Zero to 2 times
(2) 3 to 10 times
(3) 11 to 28 times
(4) 29 or more times (i.e., every day of the month!)

The time has come to calculate your point total. Scoring key: For every (1) you selected, you receive one point. For every (2) you selected, you receive two points. For every (3) you selected, you receive three points. For every (4) you selected, you receive four points. Below, you may correlate your point total with your level of involvement in the lives of everyday animals.

Point Total
7 to 11: You are minimally involved in the lives of everyday animals.
12 to 17: You are somewhat involved in the lives of everyday animals.
18 to 23: You are involved in the lives of everyday animals.
24 to 28: You are overly involved in the lives of everyday animals.

Thank you for taking the survey! We hope this survey has changed your life. Surveys can be a great source of Vitamin See. Hoy hoy.

4 comments:

mark wallace said...

Sorry, I'm too busy talking to neighborhood dogs and cats to answer this survey.

Heather Fuller said...

My involvement is apparently overly unscoreable (bonanzas of glass-hearted raptors), suggesting I need to Anne Sext while drinking the house amber, as need we all, touche.

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Mark,

Are these Cool Cats and Dirty Dawgs? I know there's that dude who lives in the dumpster. Or at least he just opens it up to curse people. It's the opposite of dumpster diving -- that he does. It's not clear whether he's an everyday animal or vicey versey, acey ducey. Either way, it seems as if you're involved in the lives of everyday animals. Huzzah!

BA

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Hthr,

Anne Sext me anytime you want. Otherwise, I think you can safely say that you're overly involved in the lives of everyday raptors. I mean -- owls! Lots of owls! I bet there have been everyday ibises, everyday frigates, and everyday cormorants, too. The question is -- do you have an everyday petskope? Aye, there's the rub.

B.A.