Ooh baby ooh baby ooh.
FOR BODY ODOR. Rub
White Flour into armpit good. Rub it in there, good. Throw flour onto head, and
sit there, flowery. Perform suite of religious gestures. FOR ITCH. Rub itchy
area on second person. Let forty-eight hours expire. If second person begins to
experience itch then apply White Flour to him or her. Was that effective? Do you still itch? If so, apply White Flour
to affected area. FOR GOITER. Be
sure you’re not occupying a no goitering zone. White Flour does not condone goitering
in a no goitering zone. FOR INFIDELITY.
Soothe offending partner with dovelike cooings and other pacific pleasantries.
Perform lovemaking as necessary. When offending partner succumbs to the morphine
of sleep, bind partner’s arms to bedpost. Arrange for man (or woman) in Batman
suit to appear on fire escape. Admit Batman-suited person to premises. Hand him
or her container of White Flour. Abandon premises, yourself. Ask no questions,
ever again, about anything else. FOR AN
ERECTION LASTING LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS. Moisten member. Coat with White
Flour. Show physician. Is member still erect? No way! Remit co-pay as directed.
FOR GASOHOL. Empty contents of White Flour container into neighbor’s gas
tank. Observe neighbor’s ignition strategies over time, including any kicks and
slaps to portions of automobile (e.g.,
bumper, tires, odor control tree) that have no ignition function. FOR RUSTIC DESK ORNAMENT. Purchase
suitable desk ornament from sightseeing souvenir stand. Drain of water and
artificial snow element. Prepare White Flour as for one Griddlecake. Add to
ornament and seal. It will appear as if Griddlecake batter fell upon rustic
scene. FOR INITIAL PUBLIC OFFERING. Prepare
favorite White Flour recipe. (We recommend as for Poultice.) Take outside.
Offer it, initially, to public. FOR
DIRTY SÁNCHEZ. Is that the same thing as Dirty Harry only with a guy named Sánchez?
White Flour recommends that you do not
feel lucky, when challenged by Dirty Sánchez. FOR SHINGLES. This is a disease that
develops in roofers. If you’re not a roofer, then you won’t acquire too many
disorders—e.g., “the gutters”, “the dry-wall”, “the soft wood”—named after
building materials. FOR OTHER
HEMISPHERES. Stir White Flour in opposite direction, in saucepan. Gain
attention of saucier. Present saucepan and sauce for inspection. If saucier
interprets presentation as gift, be prepared to surrender (but don’t give
yourself away.) FOR COCAINE SIMULATION.
Blow White Flour up Stevie Nicks’ butt. FOR
GENERAL TSO VARIATION. Shovel White Flour into Stevie Nicks’ butt with
chopsticks. IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. Say
‘alleluiah.’ The missiles will fly. FOR
MEAL PLANNING. Day 1: White Flour. Day 2: White Flour. Days 3, 4, and 5: White
Flour. Day 7: White Flour. On Saturday, we could eat any White Flour we wanted
or we could eat no White Flour at all.
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