Friday, October 10, 2014


I’ve got so many athletic commitments—such as clubbing and jumbo slice—that I’ve accumulated numerous pieces of athletic underwear to the tune of closet-busting. You might imagine boxer-jocks dangling importantly from marquee hangers amid my notable suite of salmon-tint Casual Day home kits. So I upped the antechamber. For all my Under Armour, I bought an Under Armoire. Do you know about this? It has room for sporty sock, sporty pant, sporty tote, sporty sideways cap. (I store my sporty cap sideways, in any event, to get it broken in-for athletic commitments such as clubbing and jumbo slice.) I thought it would end there, and by “it” I mean the accumulation of athletic underwear, and by “there”, I mean my Under Armoire, but Nö, I begin to desire greater domination, the way Under Armour conquered the body, one garment at a time. I would like to own an Under Armoured Car and travel the Land Down Under Armour, not to mention purchase shares in the corporate merger that will certainly produce Under Armour & Hammer. I could see this getting way outta hand. If I max my credit cards, what then? Must I appear in Debtors Court? Will my wages get garnished? Will they hand me my money with a sprig of parsley? All because of my insatiable requirement to fill my drawers—with drawers!

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Heather Fuller said...

So let it get way out of hand, even as Kevin Plank, slightly misty, wracks his brain for ways to stuff more under into the armoire. I bought my first UA last week, a winter jacket with ceramic technology, and NYSE:UA promptly proceeded to lose three pts. UA once chalked its logo onto the side of Federal Hill, where dogs pee and lovers stumble. Everything is for sale.


Hthr, you call to mind the opportunity for UA to develop a UA for Lovers line of products. Perhaps a support garment for when the tumbles occur. Perhaps a different product for when they tumble into dog pee. One imagines a UA Wet Wipe of some sort. These can be stored in the Under Armoire -- to a point. Still, this doesn't address the problem of lovers tumbling on the hill, nor does it address the differences that might develop in the face of such tumbling. There, one can imagine Under Armour Couples Therapy. I mean, if UA really sought to be a responsible corporate partner. Under Armour Therapist, Under Armour Flu Mist, Under Armour "Gist of the Matter", Under Armour First Kiss, and Under Armour Whist, as they say.