SELF-QUARANTINED WITH MY ELDERLY PARENTS: A DESPATCH (SIC) FROM CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN.

I am with my parents, both of whom are in their eighties. Every morning we hold a mandatory Staff Meeting (pictured above) in the kitchen. We discuss our approach to the day. Mostly, we discuss the ways in which we irritate each other. Truth be told, as Chief of Staff, these meetings are dominated by me describing the many ways that my parents extensively aggravate me. After that, we move on to provisions. I am sent once a week to a local greengrocer, and since I get to—since I’m now encouraged to—wear a blue bandanna around my face, I’m eager to go. I pay my bill, thus I’m hardly a robber; I just look like one. After provisions, we address cleanliness. We agreed to give the twice-monthly cleaning woman a paid leave, which is nice of my parents, except that I have to do all the cleaning! (We live in a medium-sized apartment.) But in lockdown / quarantine, the thing is: chores are good, they organize the day. I’ve also developed cultural awakening routine that I’m emplacing for at least a month, and probably longer. Here are my details, quips, activities, discoveries, notes, suggestions, et cetera, in digest form. Enjoy.

ULTIMATE GOAL

To get my parents through this crisis, healthy. The elderly have a lot to teach us. In no way should they—ever—be sacrificed in the name of Wall Street.

HIGHBROW & POP CULTURE

Current books: I am finishing the second half of W. Somerset Maugham’s collected stories, and the selected stories of Lucia Berlin. Both reads are enjoyable: one is swashbuckling, the other is comedy-amid-tragedy or vice versa.

International Netflix mega-series: Babylon Berlin (lotsa Berlin!) has been the best. Even as it’s more “fantastic” than Peaky Blinders, it’s more believable, and the performance scenes, in particular, are astonishing. Interestingly, the two series are linked by the PTSD symptoms of the main characters, who suffered through mental anguish in World War I. When English rock band The Fall asks “Who Makes the Nazis?” in their album Hex Enduction Hour, well, Babylon Berlin appears to be answering that question.

Domestic mega-series: Better Call Saul. This character-driven series is better—by far—than its leaky predecessor, Breaking Bad. It’s not even debatable.

New rock ‘n’ roll discovery: My friend Casey Smith brought Girl Band, from Dublin, Ireland, to our attention. They’re in the same league as Sleaford Mods, who will be appearing, hopefully, October 1st, in D.C.

Last ten jazz albums: Louis Armstrong, The Great Chicago Concert; Albert Ayler Quartet, The Hilversum Session; Art Blakey & the Jazz Messengers, Meet You at the Jazz Corner of the World, Vol. 1; Anthony Braxton, News from the 70s; John Coltrane, Giant Steps; Miles Davis, Milestones; Walter Davis Jr., Davis Cup; Booker Ervin, The Freedom Book; Charles Earland, Black Talk; Curtis Fuller, Blues-ette.

EXERCISE

Average daily running distance: 5.25 miles.

YouTube abs workout: The tatted guy at “officialthenx.” That workout is brutal, and I resent the tatted guy every day of my life.

YouTube pushups workout: Mike Rashid’s warrior pushups.

YouTube H.I.I.T. workout: “abnormal_beings.”  

Additional exercise: 40 minutes stationary bicycle + extensive burnout with 10 lb. sand dumbbell extravaganza.

Physical exercise summary: Running, cycling, upper body, and H.I.I.T., two to three hours daily.  

Animals I’ve seen while exercising: I’ve developed a cozy relationship with a foxy fox. Otherwise, there has been an increase in raptors: eagles, owls, and hawks. I see dozens of deer each day. I never see the white breasted nuthatch, but I hear it laughing at me, all the time.

Crossword puzzle: New York Times (available online via Arkansas Democrat Gazette.)

My Duolingo language: Francais.

Also: Could we get one sport to come back, with disease-free players housed in isolation, and games played in empty arenas / stadiums? Prem? Baseball? Shinny? The boost from that would be exponential.

DIET, SHOPPING, & SUNDRY ACTIVITIES

Diet: Vegetarian (I’ve earned my three year pin!) Thus far, it has been easy to keep this diet, except for the douchebags who are hoarding cans of black beans as if they were toilet paper. May your hoarding of the former lead you to require even more of the latter!

Great new recipe: Sweet potato vegetarian chili.

Beers on hand: Porters and Stouts. My friend Sausages also gave me a bottle (to be opened soon) of Laphroaig 10 year. I haven’t been drinking much, though. It’s hard to do this all alone. If you want to have a drink—or a coffee—let’s make a virtual date!

T.P. situation: Average. If there’s a gentle increase in pooping, we’ll still be all right.

Shopping strategy: I wear gloves and bandanna mask. I hand sanitize afterwards and wash my hands before unpacking anything. We place perishables in the fridge. (They are washed in cold water before use.) (We may switch to washing in advance.) Everything else is quarantined for three days in a side area, to allow for any surfaces to straighten out. I wash my hands again.

DEEP THOUGHT / LIFE CHANGES

Like many people, I have been examining my life closely. When this crisis ends, and it will end, despite the criminal mishandling of it by the already-impeached White House “leader,” I am going to make significant changes in my life. I will be talking to some of you, Dear Readers, about these changes when the time comes. Likewise, if you have anything monumental to relate in my direction, I’m here. I’ll be here for the foreseeable future. Mostly, be safe and stay healthy. May your loved ones be healthy, too.

QUIP

There should be a movie entitled Quaranteen Wolf, starring Quarantina Turner, directed by Quentin Quarantino.