After the Despot ordered the defenestration of his political
rival, he retired to his bedchambers clad in deniability sleepwear—earplugs and
blindfold—as he planned to claim “I heard nothing, I saw nothing” should the
meek judiciary ever issue subpoenas. A noisy night of sawing, chopping, and chipping
ensued, but the Despot slept like a sack of spuds. When the leader awoke, he
wished to experience the symphonic triumph of the mid-morning sunlight, so
threw the curtains apart, but imagine his Munch-scream face when he discovered
that the woods—the entire woods—had vanished, a column of trucks grunting
forward in low gear, each vehicle bearing a pyramid of thick trunks. On
television, the Despot’s political rival cemented the disgrace, the
deforestation, by branding the Despot an enemy of the root, branch, wood,
creature, creation, universe, God.
[2]
“Despot here,” the leader hollered into the telephone. Yes,
sir, said his deputy. “What the hell has happened?” Happened, sir? “What the
hell have you done?” As you decreed, sir. “As I decreed?” Yes, sir. The Despot
thought painfully, as if a centipede were gnawing his thought balloon. “What
have I decreed?” he asked. The act has been carried out, said his deputy. And
with considerable efficiency, I might add. “I ordered a defenestration.” Yes,
sir. “You have effected a deforestation, instead.” Sir? “The forest,” said the
Despot, “is missing.” Yes, sir. We defenestrated the forest, as you decreed.
Sir, added the deputy, your political rival telephoned us this morning. He has
challenged you to epee. “Epee?” Yes, sir. “You mean, sword?” It’s a foil, sir,
it’s an epee. “Impossible. I have no foil!” Well, sir, we could purchase one
using EpeePal.
[3]
The Despot received embassies from noon until 1:00, after
which he received audiences from 1:00 until 2:00, whereupon he received
embassies from 2:00 until 3:00, inasmuch as he received lobbies.
Representatives from the prophylactics industry spoke to the Despot about
cornering the market for equine rubbers, to prevent the conception of unwanted
foals. They would produce, on a trial-basis, a condom billed as Trojan Horse. A
group representing the nation’s seiners and trawlers encouraged the Despot to
seize the fish: carp diem, they
implored. The leader bade his fool approach. Yo, I’m so impoverished, quipped the
fool, I ain’t got no despot to piss in. Trumpets signaled the embassies,
audiences, and lobbies to toss many banknotes into a circulating hat. The
Despot had listened to these visitors; they must subsidize his scrutiny; they
must “pay attention.”
[4]
That evening, the Despot sat with his soothsayer in the conservatory, each man sipping a tincture. “It’s quite simple,” said the Despot. “They heave my adversary out the window.” Yes, sir, agreed the soothsayer. “They don’t demolish an entire wooded region.” Yes, sir, agreed the soothsayer. “Defenestration. Deforestation. Not the same!” The soothsayer hovered his palms over the leader’s head, as if it were a crystal ball. I see your political rival practicing epee with corked tip, he hummed. “You do?” Yes, sir, the soothsayer hummed: quirky his thrust shall be. Just then, the fool appeared over the Despot’s opposite shoulder. “How now?” said the Despot. He who places confidence in the soothsayer’s racket, said the fool, shall become, himself, a seer-sucker. Dig? Nesting birds brawled in livid riffs on the slopes of roof. There were, after all, no more treetops.
That evening, the Despot sat with his soothsayer in the conservatory, each man sipping a tincture. “It’s quite simple,” said the Despot. “They heave my adversary out the window.” Yes, sir, agreed the soothsayer. “They don’t demolish an entire wooded region.” Yes, sir, agreed the soothsayer. “Defenestration. Deforestation. Not the same!” The soothsayer hovered his palms over the leader’s head, as if it were a crystal ball. I see your political rival practicing epee with corked tip, he hummed. “You do?” Yes, sir, the soothsayer hummed: quirky his thrust shall be. Just then, the fool appeared over the Despot’s opposite shoulder. “How now?” said the Despot. He who places confidence in the soothsayer’s racket, said the fool, shall become, himself, a seer-sucker. Dig? Nesting birds brawled in livid riffs on the slopes of roof. There were, after all, no more treetops.
