THE GREAT SCANSION OF 2012.

This was a stressful election!

This is, what I would call, “Trochaic / iambic dimeter.” You could argue a secondary stress on the “ba” in “Obama” but I prefer the “THUMPety” of the trochee, myself. I don’t consider myself a “Trochee Man”, necessarily, since I like to think of myself as a “Man of All Meter.” (I’m quite egalitarian in that way.) Of course, there’s a trochee to “Willard” but we won’t need to deal with that trochee very much longer. Some trochees come and some trochees go. Some trochees spend billions of dollars over seven years doing nothing more than complaining. While this blog, and this post, are 100% free. One election won’t solve our problems but I’d like to borrow an old joke and say that “iamb hopeful.” And I’d like to vote for Joe in 2016. 

DUO EXCHANGE.

 

Thursday, November 8th, 7:30 p.m. at the Squirrel.

November 8th will be roughly ten days after Frankenstorm, and two days after that other storm, i.e., The Election, so we'll either have lots to celebrate, or good reason to move on. In that spirit, join us for DUO EXCHANGE: Rod Smith / Dan Gutstein (words) and Argos (music). The two writers and the two-bass band will trade sets of poetry and music in a 'Duo Exchange', an event influenced by the 1973 free/avant album of the same name, featuring Rashied Ali and Frank Lowe. Free and open to the public, no cover charge, The Black Squirrel (tap room -- downstairs -- 40 craft taps), 2427 18th Street, in Adams Morgan. For complete information, visit our Facebook event page. 

For more information on Rod Smith: click here.

For more information on Argos: click here. 

We look forward to seeing you there, and for all festivities before, during, and afterwards.

ON SENSITIVITY: A BRIEF PHILOSOPHY OF POLITICAL CHOICE.

For the relief of unbearable interactions. 

The dentist drilled my tooth without any anesthetic, but in the air was, maybe I need an anesthetic. He said, “Raise your left hand if you feel any sensitivity” but I’m like “Why the left—because I’m a liberal?” but he’s like “Hey, I’m from Brooklyn!” so I said, “If I raise my left hand due to sensitivity, will you raise your left hand to acknowledge my sensitivity?” We tested it out once, in the absence of sensitivity, me raising my left hand, he raising his left hand, but in the end, it wasn’t the moment I’d hoped for—you know, a camaraderie amongst everyday people in my life: train conductors, specialized personnel, troubleshooters, certificate holders, dentists, et cetera. He continued to drill my tooth without anesthetic, so I got to thinking about sensitivity. Am I too sensitive? Are we Americans too sensitive? How many people, at the moment, are raising their left hands due to sensitivity? Shoot: how many people, at the moment, are raising their right hands, due to sensitivity? Isn’t that the crux of the political problem we face? If more Americans raise their left hands than their right hands then maybe we could elect the sensitive guy. A small piece of metal sprang into the back of my mouth but the dentist plucked it out, deftly. “Thanks for not swallowing that!” he said. He sat down and took off his mask. “It’s all over,” he added. “You didn’t need any anesthesia.” He stared at the far dentistry horizon. I said, “That’s a good thing, right? Not needing anesthesia.” Because if we put aside the sensitivity then we might not need to signal our discomfort again—and we could raise any hands we wanted, or better yet, no hands at all.

ENDORSES BARACK OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT.

A self-made man. Romney is not.

The country continues to recover from the severe downturn that damaged many sectors of the economy—housing, employment, energy, currency—during the last couple years of the George W. Bush administration, a contraction characterized by many as the worst since the Great Depression, and one that President Barack Obama inherited at its most onerous depths, not to mention two deadly wars that contributed to the buckling of morale and resources. President Obama has enacted a number of resuscitative measures, including stimulus, health care reform, ‘corporate rescue’, and military draw-down, and while progress has been made, joblessness and debt have persisted. Enter the Republican brain-trust, who, emboldened by gains in the 2010 midterm elections, chose the route of political disengagement, and after several cycles of disengaging with the White House, steered to the nomination, through fits and starts, a single-issue candidate for the presidency, a six-year campaigner for the office, former governor Mitt Romney. In addition to offering scant specifics on his single issue, that is, his claim to be the supervisor who can revitalize our sluggish marketplaces, Governor Romney defaults to a set of antiquated stances on social issues and traffics with the electorate amid a host of bumbling personal narratives that cannot be remediated, despite his attempts at likability. Blood And Gutstein endorses President Barack Obama for reelection in 2012, based, in particular, on clear-cut differences between the candidates in the following five arenas, but also because I distrust Romney’s appetite for indiscriminate criticism. He reminds me, in a certain way, of an over-anxious bachelor who cannot pick-up women, and trust me, Mitt Romney could stand to ‘pick-up’ a few women, the majority of whom will vote Democrat this year.

1. TAX POLICY AS A TOOL FOR LOWERING DEBT AND GENERATING GROWTH. We have managed to avert economic catastrophe, and in order to avoid a return to the precipice, it would make sense for wealthy individuals and (wealthy) corporations to feed the kitty at a higher clip than in a period of stability. Obama supports this tax policy, while the G.O.P., led by Romney, does not. Romney advocates for companies and the “upper crust,” only he cannot demonstrate how routine tax cuts would generate the millions of new jobs he’s promising, with an implication that high-wage factory slots would appear in short order. The phrase “voodoo economics”—championed years ago by George H.W. Bush—comes to mind, as such a promise skips too many intermediate stations. I believe that wealthy persons and corporations can adapt by paying more tax and investing in growth, simultaneously. Obama terms this “economic patriotism.”

2. PRESERVATION AND EXPANSION OF INDIVIDUAL LIBERTIES. A large number of Americans—probably a majority—believe, for example, that a woman should have the opportunity to make every decision about her health. Obama supports this individual liberty, while the G.O.P. platform, as espoused by Romney, does not. The Republicans—perennially, daily—stress their commitment to shaping a less powerful federal government, one that would relieve us from its own smothering presence in our lives, except for the part where this depleted federal authority would regulate the reproductive practices of every American household, loom in every doctor’s office, and potentially, dictate arrests, prosecutions, and prison sentences. The contradiction notwithstanding, restrictions on a woman’s right to choice, for example, would especially imperil low-income families and single mothers.

3. APPEARING PRESIDENTIAL IN THE FOREIGN POLICY ENVIRONMENT. During his carefully manicured trip to the London Olympics, Romney recklessly (and prematurely) criticized the security apparatus at the summer games, eliciting “Mitt the Twit” headlines, and drawing the ire of English political leaders. The prime minister reminded Romney that securing the entirety of big, bustling, international London was just a tad more cumbersome than securing venues in “the middle of nowhere”—a potent dig at Romney’s stewardship of the 2002 Salt Lake City (winter) Olympics. No security breaches materialized in London. The diplomatic ink-stain, however, accompanied Romney on the remainder of his “break-out” international tour, a dud that fizzled out in Israel and Poland, but was intended to buttress his soggy profile. Romney’s more disconcerting error involved criticism of the President shortly after the American ambassador to Libya had been killed as part of an insurgent attack. He was vitriolic when, instead, he should’ve projected the calm statesman: “Today, I will put politics aside and stand together with the President during these difficult moments for our diplomatic mission,” or words to that effect, but the G.O.P. challenger cannot muster this sonority. Obama, on the other hand, matched coolness to the demands of the situation.

4. CHOICE OF A RUNNING MATE WHO COULD ASSUME THE PRESIDENCY. It’s not clear to me how Romney’s choice of Paul Ryan, Representative from Wisconsin, broadens the tent for Republicans. He may prize them a few additional voters in his otherwise ‘blue’ home state, or reassure the legions of ‘tea party’ activists, or stamp a youthful grin on the ticket, but at 42, with just a couple years under his belt as Chairman of the House Budget Committee, he does not reassure as broad a swath of voters as does the presence, on the Democrat ticket, of seasoned political veteran, Joe Biden. Prone to the occasional gaffe, the otherwise affable Biden has been involved in government since 1973, when he was first elected Senator from Delaware, and when Ryan was about three years old. He has chaired various committees in the Senate, served for nearly four years as Vice President, and owns a track record, in this position, of negotiating across party lines.

5. PERSONAL NARRATIVE IN THE ERA OF CORPORATE GREED. Mitt Romney wasn’t reared in an apartment above a storefront, the way Ronald Reagan grew up, but was the son of George Romney, CEO of American Motors and Governor of Michigan. Mitt Romney’s enduring fantasy—that he’s a self-made man—must enable additional delusions on his part. Surely, he understands what it takes to create millions of manufacturing jobs, despite the fact that Bain Capital, where he served as CEO, never manufactured anything, and wasn’t headquartered in a factory. A self-made man would have little to hide on his tax returns, and would release them to the public, although a self-made man might, out of unrelated cruelty, strap the family dog to the roof of his automobile. Several contemporary presidents, including, to the right, Eisenhower, Nixon, and Reagan, and to the left, Carter, Clinton, and Obama, could be described as men of humble origins. Obama was raised by a single mother, and as a person who identifies as African American, has probably overcome more obstacles than Romney can imagine.

The tenor of 2012 America calls to mind, in certain ways, the tenor of 1944 America, in particular for a half-remembered quote by Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who charged Americans to keep entrusting him with the country’s efforts in World War II, even as it was a dark era filled with uncertainty. He might’ve said something akin to, “Don’t trust the war to anybody else,” and while I may have the quote jumbled-up, the nation reelected him over his Republican challenger, Thomas Dewey, with that sentiment at heart. A different America now grapples with a different type of uncertain future, but there are compelling reasons—policy and character, alike—to keep entrusting President Obama with the nation’s economic recovery efforts. 

WELL, BUTTER MY ONION, HERE, IN DOUBLECLICKISTAN, BUT I’M NO LONGER HOTTEST IN THE NATION, ACCORDING TO RATE MY OPPRESSORS, ER, PROFESSORS.

What looking in the mirror used to be like: Hot!

Now that I’m post-hot, all I can do is rub Cholula all over myself in the hopes of producing a third nipple. Then I could front the Scandinavian metal combo, Third Nipple Rampage. “Old hotties never die,” said MacArthur, “they just fade to mild.” The hell, though, if I’m gonna settle for Tepidest or Lukewarmest in the nation. Now that I’m post-hot, I’ll need a greater reservoir for compassion than my balsawood heart allows, I’ll need a greater system for latitude than my Zen-X philosophy allows. I’m beginning to learn that life is more than just clicking ass and taking URLs. Especially here in Doubleclickistan, where avatar oleomargarine and avatar sweet vidalia can slather each other all they’d like. No more coverage in The Huffington Glue Post, nope. Even if Red Rover were invoked I sure as hell wouldn’t come over, nope. I’ve gone from “chili pepper” as in “habanero” to “chilly pepper” as in “habanero left out in the snow.” The radio sings, “Ya / ya / ya / ya / ya /ya / ya / Your Sharona,” as if the lady-in-question were someone else’s Sharona, not my Sharona, not any longer, now that I’m post-hot. What have those Immediate-Past-Hotties done with themselves, I wonder, but cruised the jalapeno aisles, for hours, in supermarkets? Not that I, an Immediate-Past-Hottie, cruise the aisles, myself—god forbid it should all come down to stalking the shiny finish on a Hungarian wax pepper. I suppose I could look forward to the brisk fever of an influenza, oh, to be hot again!

BLOGPOST TO A YOUNG POET.

Block out regular intervals for writing. (Coffee optional.)

Every so often, a promising undergraduate writer, a senior soon to earn those final fifteen credits, poses this question—“What’s next?”—in office hours or class. “Workshops,” she or he continues, “have been great. They’ve given me a structure. They’ve forced me to produce. But what happens when school ends? How do I continue to be a writer? What should I do?” To her or him, I have offered the following 15-part manifesto, on the writer’s lifestyle, more or less unmodified over the years. Dig these whirreds to the whys.

1. CHEAP FLAT ‘N’ EATS. The less your rent, food, and extravagance tabs, the less you have to work—to purchase that basket of goods. The more time you have with which to write. In terms of food, the potato (Sweet, Yukon Gold, Russet, Red, et al.) is your friend. Inexpensive, nutritious, and quite tasty. Stock up on the good spud, I say. I myself have devoured many a cauldron of spuds ‘n’ cabbage, with a bitteen butter, salt, pepper.

2. CHOOSE APPROPRIATE JOBS. If you write best in the morning, then reserve that time for yourself. Don’t tender those hours to Huge Corporation. Seek access to office equipment: computers, printers, postage meters, paperweights, festive calendars, etc. If possible, avoid typical cubicle jobs where coworkers have big guts, chronic indigestion, and idiotic puns. Tend bar. Wait tables. There is safety in having more than one job.

3. CORROLLARY ON THE 2012-13 ECONOMY. Yes, I realize there’s a slump, and not just a typical contraction, at that. I used to be an economist. [Aside: At one point, my work for Huge Corporation (That Is Now Defunct) involved the depreciation of every telephone pole in America.] I can say, with some general certainty, that the current economy should be a ripe source of non-career, patchwork, writer-friendly jobs.

4. WRITE REGULARLY. Block out several hours, four days in a row. A walk beforehand can cleanse the mind of its clutter. Toil in a room with no distractions, no cell phone, no conversation. Jazz is okay, in the background. Playing solitaire—with an actual deck of cards—can offer a decent, periodic distraction. Write for months. Pile up drafts. Revision, a vital complement, can take place any time, anywhere: busses, cafes, bars.

5. WRITE WITH RANGE, 1. You can pen pieces about your own anguish, but many mainstream writers prosper by (endlessly) describing their psychic and physical suffering. There are other options besides yourself, when considering content. Write about ideas. Be political, but don’t instruct the reader, as Pinter reminds us, to endorse your position. Wild, twisting language can be the most potent (and potable) content.

6. WRITE WITH RANGE, 2. Write a sonnet or treat the page, as Olson says, as a field. Write in prose or write in couplets, and if you’re a fictionista, conceive of stories that appear in sections, put through-action (but not plot) first, don’t punch the clock. Put character first. Write for the love of rhythm. Write chapbooks. Write novellas. Any poem or story should offer a basic problem, situation, conflict. Beyond that: the deluge.

7. READ REGULARLY. Always have a great book open. “A reader is someone who reads every day.” A writer reads more than she or he writes. In your genre. Out of your genre. Seek texts that inform your line-writing or sentence-writing. Seek texts that challenge the comfort level of your language formation, organizational strategies, and representation of situation. Borrow ideas. Read to steal. Don’t plagiarize, of course, but be a thief.

8. PARTICIPATE IN A COMMUNITY. Find yourself “a scene” or create a new one. A scene that produces regular events, like literary readings or a weekly happy hours. Make chums in this scene. Socialize Up. That doesn’t necessarily mean “age” but writers who are rattling ‘n’ rolling. Listen To Young People, don’t forget, even as you are a young person. Listen to old timers, too. Be an equal opportunity consumer of viewpoints.

9. CONSUME OTHER ARTS. Do you know Stuff Smith? The song—“I’se A Muggin’”—that doubles as a counting game? If so, then you know this excerpt: “… twenty-five, twenty-six, uh uh, uh uh, twenty-nine, woof woof, thirty-one, thirty-two …” but I digress. I don’t mean dumbly stare at a bunch of paintings. I mean, absorb certain elements and learn to recall them, as necessary, when you formulate writing.

10. GET YOUR WRITING OUT THERE. You can blog, you can tweet, you can update your status, you can self-publish a chapbook, you can photocopy, you can submit writing for free online, you can create a small press, you can read at an open microphone event, you can host a cattle-call reading, you can self-promote, you can discover all sorts of social media, you can spend a few bucks on postage, you can spray-paint the dumpster.

11. A WORD ON ASS-KISSING. Don’t get me wrong: ass-kissing works. It’s greedy, and as we know from the fictional Michael Douglas character, Gordon Gecko: “greed works.” If only I could stomach this form of self-promotion, I would hound my famous writer-cousin for a few short-cuts, but alas, I cannot stomach this method. Still, if you’re a smarmy little weasel, go for it. Be prepared—I guess—to really—French some ass.

12. SPEAK YOUR MIND. Rather than smooching anyone’s derriere, how about speaking your mind?—with information at your back. That is, don’t just offer a textual or artistic critique if you don’t really have knowledge of the various traditions that may bolster (or contradict!) your opinions. But speak your mind. Call a phony a phony. Take some well-informed stands. Become a sought-after “conversation partner.”

13. VICE IN MODERATION. John Coltrane died at 40 of liver cancer. One theory is, he acquired hepatitis by sharing a needle, and this led to his fatal disease. Either way, he was reportedly addicted to numerous substances, including heroin. He left behind lots of great American jazz. But what of the music he didn’t get a chance to record? If you smoke so much weed that you can hardly jot down a poem—then you’re not a writer, but a doper.

14. A WORD ON CLIMATE CHANGE. Global Warming will certainly lead to erratic behavior in animals. This, in turn, will lead to Kung Fu Change, as Shaolin Monks—and pugilistic monks everywhere—will attempt to emulate the behavior of these animals in their maneuvers. You may wish to travel now, before Pugilistic Monk Warming becomes prohibitive. Write about your travels, but don’t just say “travel.” Build us a city.

15. MFA PROGRAMS. You do not need to be an MFA student in order to be a writer. An MFA program can offer you financial support, instruction, and a cohort, but you can do just fine by yourself, by practicing Nos. 1-14, above. In fact, if you practice Nos. 1-14 above, then everyone else who’s practicing Nos. 1-14 will find you quite irresistible. Too, you will have every opportunity to develop your writing skills, outside the somewhat isolated construct of academia. If you go to grad school later, it’ll feel like a reward.

For a “Cautionary Tale” involving “The Boy with the Broken Heart and The Boy with the Overflowing Heart,” click here. 

SWILLING ON THE DARK SIDE: HOW TO DRINK STOUT IN SEVEN EASY STEPS (+APPENDICES) (+FAQ)

Learn how to drink this, the best STOUT on earth.

Primer can be pronounced “primmer” or “pry-mer.” “Roight!” [1.] preparatory exercises. One must consider Limberings of the Ligaments when preparing for “a touch of the STOUT.” Fingerpoppings as it were. Recommended, if necessary, are delectables, spectacles, shower & shave. You must be at least 25 pct. properly attired, i.e., haberdashery, if you will, but you needn’t check your skepticism. do not persist in any sort of referential mania, such as gratuitous politicking. [2.] incantations & recitations. En route to the saloon, engage in a traditional chantey, such as: “I drink a drink / and I skip a drink / and when I skip a drink / I drink a beer.” Yodelings are often necessary, given the circumstances, as well as Jello slappings. If you must, recite a chapter from Because It Is Bitter & Because It Is My STOUT. do not pray to the volcano, the hurricane & the mongoose simultaneously. [3.] at the pub. Roight! If there is but one STOUT on the premises, order a STOUT. Otherwise, request the house menu. When deciding among STOUT, we suggest skepticism (see above) re: anything Walloonie, Walloonie Bin & Metrosexuale Belgique. Your STOUT may appear before you in a goblet. We suggest that you weather this indignity with casual modesty. do not bum rush the STOUT. [4.] what to expect: The nose should admit a waft of the roasted malt, if not a waft of the roasted barley, among other suitable trails. The cap should ride your STOUT, even as it thins, to the bottom of the glass, leaving behind a nice latticework to the sides. The mouthfeel shall be creamy & appropriately carbonated, as the aftermath shall not be boozy. Lo, the STOUT shall deliver a pleasant bitterness & ye shall deliver an appropriate sum, therefore, to the barkeep. If you have needs to make water, make water. do not hesitate, upon your return, to order another pour. [5.] feeling good about yourself. Hoist your second STOUT & have a look around the saloon proper. Say “Hey, Mama” with your eyes. Say “mon petit oiseau bleu” with your eyes. By then the antioxidants brewed into your STOUT shall have informed your corporeal salubriousness. The eyes of others shall behold this radiance in solidarity. do not suddenly conceive of a life to be spent with excessive creams & oils & robes & hairshirts. [6.] a word on porter & black ipa. You may swill English porter & American porter however you wish. You may swill strong ales & black ipa however you wish, although there is a suggested donation of $5 per pint, payable directly to our bar tabs. You may not, under any circumstances, swill any other kind of ales & lagers, if you expect extraordinary favors from us. We define ‘extraordinary favors’ as repeated validation of your radical stances (we ain’t no parking lot!) & anything morally abdominal. do not, however, forget your whiskey flask! [7.] walking home. Beware the temptation of the empanada. Beware the temptation of the meatloaf special. Beware the temptation of the slice, jumbo & otherwise. Beware the temptation of the sha cha chicken. Beware the temptation of rare oop on vinyl. do not eat rare oop on vinyl! [8.] appendix i: the trajectory of a debauch. When contemplating a debauch, consider the Lo-Hi Crescendo: English Porter, American STOUT, Double STOUT, Imperial STOUT. Reversely, the Hi-Lo Crescendo operates from Imperial (~10.0 pct ABV) to Double (~8.3 pct.) to American (~5.8 pct.) to English Porter (~4.8 pct.) You may substitute an Oatmeal STOUT for an American. To wit, there are other trajectories, as well. There are, collectively, The Wounded Capuchin, The Chorus Girl & the Chaise Longue, The Spouse & The Souse, The Gravestone Rubbing & The Intercontinental Ballistic STOUT-drinking Trajectories. [9.] appendix ii: on sessionable stout & sessionability.  We endorse a plain-roasted, plain-bitter American, Irish, or Oatmeal STOUT for STOUT-drinking “sessionability”—meaning that, Ladies & Gents, you could drink flagons of these in sequence, without getting all knockout-y, knock-need-y & knock-knock-y. Your friends at BAG have sampled upwards of 750 STOUT / porter over the past several campaigns, & while we haven’t sampled every brew in the world, we are ready to endorse Sierra Nevada STOUT as best-in-sessionability, Founders Breakfast STOUT as all-around-best-in-STOUT & the Founders suite of dark beers, Porter, Breakfast STOUT, Imperial STOUT, Kentucky Breakfast STOUT, et al., as the greatest such suite available in bottle & draught. [10.] faq. Q: Does STOUT increase performance? A: Ask Zenyatta, the champion race horse, who lapped it up, so to speak, every day. Q: Must I complete a Solemn Round of Industry in the morning? A: Yes, if you intend on drinking any more STOUT. If you drink STOUT, however, the Round of Industry may seem a little less Solemn than for non-STOUT drinkers. Q: Who is the most famous STOUT drinker in the history of the world? A: Catherine The Great, Tsarina Extraordinaire, Commissar & Commissioner of the Russian Imperial STOUT. Q: Will STOUT make me hungry? A: Have a wafer, Lads & Lasses, if you develop a touch of the famine. Roight!