A Fair & Lovely Lea.
All this talk about Tiger Woods and his ‘sex addiction’ as
if the man were humping what, the front nine holes at Augusta? How many
American men regret not going out for JV Smurf in high school? That, of course,
could’ve led to Varsity Smurf, and ultimately to lettering, i.e., a jacket, but
no, didn’t go out for JV Smurf. Instead, these men grew up trying to emulate
Captains of Industry—as if a ‘Captain’ in this context were some kind of
ceremonial post, as if one would be the ‘Captain’ of Exxon, or Mercedes Benz,
or the House of Hapsburg. As if there was any
industry for anyone to captain, in any event, as opposed to a bunch of
shoddy warehouses rusting the very dead ground upon which they were erected.
What’s the greater joke—that our business leaders are ‘captaining’ square feet
of empty air, or that generations of ‘Captains’ have presided over one big ejaculation
that squandered the nation’s fixed assets? Perhaps a prophylaxis should
be administered to every chap who seeks to emigrate or establish asylum in our
fair land. He should be read the words “Welcome to America” as he is being flossed.
His sons, he will think, in that moment, will grow up and go out for JV Smurf.
That, or they could, one day, make love to a bearclaw or a cruller. It would be
too dangerous after all to masturbate with a doughnut, seeing how the average
law enforcement professional gravitates toward those confections. The clouds,
the clouds, over the water tower, the water tower. Despite all the human
activity to the contrary, the cycle of beauty—nimbostratus, stratus—can
reassemble every day.
2 comments:
Re-assembly: the anti-pecuniary prophylactic enterprise now before us.
See, by reading that, Special A & P, I know that you went out for JV Smurf! Were you Left Smurf or Center Smurf? I could even see you as as Inside Right Smurf, actually.
And by the way, thinking back to fiction class, and that one douche who disputed that soccer shot in one of your stories -- man, now that I'm watching so much Prem -- man, anything can happen to a soccer ball, especially with JV Smurfs like Tevez, RvP, Michu, Rooney, et al., running around!
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