I can cross “Learn Photoshop” off the list, Kitteh.
Happy New Year!
[1.] Pack a 2013 Survival Kit. I’d have a hard
time surviving, over the next few days, without Middle Eastern dips. So, I’d
probably hoard a lot of chickpeas. The expiration dates on the cans, however,
read 2016. The chickpea economy isn’t, apparently, betting on a late 2013
disaster. I could eat all the Middle Eastern dip, like, straight away.
Conversely, I could donate the chickpeas to the needy. (You know: Help the
hummus.)
[2.] Get This Punning out of My
System.
So, a Sea Anemone seduces Eminem. (They have relations.) A while later, a
squishy, rapping offspring comes along, an Eminemone. It’s wanted by the law.
It’s really wanted by the law. It’s Public Eminemone No. 1.
[3.] Write a ‘Dear Critics’ Letter. In it, I’d
acknowledge our Critics-Criticized relationship. I’d look up the word ‘enmity’
in a reputable dictionary, just to be content with its edges, and afterwards,
pledge my fondness for their enmity. Without their criticism, I’d reason, I’d
probably just topple over, as if I lived, quote, “in the Windy State of Your
Criticism, and the wind, of a sudden, ceased to blow.”
[4.] Finally Decide between Blu-Ray
and the Cloud.
What the hell is Blu-Ray anyhow? Is that someone’s nickname? Like, Blu-Ray Bradbury?
(Agh!) Can I put Blu-Ray in the Cloud? I guess on a cloudy day, it’s a lot of
Blu-Ray up there, am I right?
[5.] Perfect My Mike Tyson
Impersonation. Try
this: “Lennickth? Lennickth? Ith that you? Hey, how’th it goin’, man? Shaw, I
tried to duck thummya puncheth, but I couldn’t duck awllya puncheth. My cawnah
wuth tryin’ to get me tuh defenethtrate you but I nevvah defenethtrated nobody
befaw in public. Out-thide a boutique, shaw, I defenethtrated lot-tha people,
but nevvah befaw in-thide th’thquared thircle!” See? I’m not quite there.
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