Tuesday, April 8, 2014


English III's pre-Loaf.

Cross-Town Loafs
After my football club dropped a key fixture over the weekend, and drifted downward in the table toward the relegation zone, I decided to comfort myself by preparing a Loaf. I snapped a picture of the two main ingredients, ground beef and ground lamb, and texted it to my pal, English III, who supports the same football club. He has other nicknames, such as ‘Sausages’ and ‘Bag-O-Burgers’, but nothing (yet) about Loaf. Occasionally, he goes by ‘Chauncey’, but that’s a Stalag 17 spinoff, and anyone can go by ‘Chauncey’, because ‘Chauncey’ is all about breaking loose, so if you want to break loose, you, too, can be ‘Chauncey’, although being ‘Chauncey’ doesn’t automatically lead you to Loaf. Mostly, you hang around in water towers and agree to thoughts like, “Let’s blow.” Nevertheless, upon seeing the text message, English III declared his interest in preparing a second Loaf. We agreed to bake these Loafs simultaneously; we would publicize the Loafs; we would revel in our Loafing. English III and his wife would dine on the cross-town Loaf that he would prepare for them in their Upper Caucasia apartment.

A Brief History of Loafs
In the early days of our nation, the Federal Reserve Bank kept a pound of gold in Fort Knox for each pound of Loaf out there among the citizenry, among ‘The Beast’. If you had a Loaf, you could walk it over to Fort Knox and trade it, pound for pound, for gold. This was known as The Gold Loaf Standard. Lawmakers feared ‘The Beast’, particularly ‘The Beast’ without Loaf, and so, really scoured America for gold. The famous Gold Rush of the mid-1800’s could’ve just as easily been dubbed the Loaf Rush, and you can imagine hungry, boozy, rowdy gold-seekers, aka Forty-Niners, biting into a nugget the size and shape of a Loaf. Things got confusing. Just as when many thousands of years earlier, the Israelites crafted a Golden Loaf in the Sinai Desert, and fell to their knees in worship. God didn’t smite them for worshipping a golden idol—no, he smote them for following a crap recipe. He immediately summoned Moses to receive a 10-point Loaf manifesto, which has formed the basis of Western Culture. [Note: this article refers to Historical Loaf; for the rap song, “Bum Rush the Loaf”, please see disambiguation.]

The Loaf in Popular Culture and Social Media
Meryl Streep delivered her most memorable role as Loafie, in the great flick, Loafie’s Choice. In the film, Loafie must choose one Loaf over another Loaf. Streep garnered many awards for her acting, although how could it be acting, when Loaf is on the line? She must’ve been speaking “From tha stummick!” Other representations of Loaf include Marquez’s novel, Loaf in the Time of Caller I.D., and Robert Creeley’s cookbook, For Loaf. English III and I didn’t smoke hash, but we employed hashtag #MeetTheLoafs2014. We realize that we have left open the possibility of Simultaneous Cross-town Loafs in 2015, as well. Social media went haywire. We had hits. We had tags. We had Loaf.
My Loafwich, with stout pairing.
Note: Jayson Werth at the bat.

Bye Bye Loaf—Hello Loneliness
A woman asked me on a date just as I made myself a plate of Loaf. I like going on dates. The gal sits down. I sit nearby. And we get into stuff, like our deepest fears. Mostly, we talk around what we really want to say, which is fun, also. It can be wild to be a human being, and going on a date might create some wildness in HD, but at the same time, I was about to hunker down with some serious Loaf. I thought about the Loaf // I thought about the date // I thought hard for all of us // and then I decided to hunker down with my Loaf. Now, ‘hunkering’ is something I could really delve into—I wasn’t just hungry, I was ‘hunkery’ as well. I just felt like the time had come … to commit … to my Loaf.

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