Thursday, May 29, 2014

TOP 5 WAYS TO COPE WITH A BRO, BRAH, OR BRUH.

Chocolade voor de vuist bump!


Study Representations in Popular Culture
A cartoon dog, sensing danger, intones “Bruh Roh!” to his owner. It must be the start of a pub crawl, and the Brahs are rushing to meet homies at a bar. “On my way, Bro!” they shout into mobile devices. Give them some leeway. They’ll need Bromoseltzer in the morning. “Go [Team]!” they holler. They don’t holler “Brah! Brah! Brah!” unless there’s a round of rum and diet on the bar. One of them likes Brahms, but he ain’t sayin’.

Apply Conversion Tables
Bro time doesn’t elapse like sidereal time, so expect great incongruence when it comes to the basic activities of daily living. Let’s take After-Flatus Shame, for instance. It may endure for ten minutes in the Dumb Animal, and for 10 hours in the Arch-Liberal, but the Bro, Brah, or Bruh may continue onward for 10 months without exhibiting any After-Flatus Shame. There he is, in Harris Teeter, like, shuffling a deck of cards: no remorse!

Know Your Bro
Maybe the fellow developed substance abuse troubles and wound up on a ranch in Arizona, in Brotox. Maybe he received a few cosmetic injections there, too, we don’t know, but the point is—take him for a good meal. Go for Italian. Order him a big old plate of Brotini. Or fry him up a steak. He needs his Brotein. Just don’t judge when you see him walking with a gaggle of Bruhs and Brahs in salmon-tinted backward caps, k?

Understand Social Tendencies
The Dumb Animal sniffs other Dumb Animal rather immediately in the park. Even turtle. “He’s one of my kind,” thinks the Dumb Animal, “he just has a carapace, is all.” The Arch-Liberal has no friends, not even the guys down at Socialist Action Network, and as such, despises Acts of Greeting. He would avert his gaze as the Bro might exchange the suite of handshakes, chest bumps, snaps, and fist bumps with feral Brahs and Bruhs.

Embrace Areas for Self-Improvement
Are you Bruh-averse? If so, you may need to Brah-reverse. Join the Bro at the Nautilus station. You can work your pecs and delts; flaps and wings; flanges and giblets. The Bro thinks that “gluten free” means an exercise he must complete without the help of his gluteus. Mentally, he spells ‘em “buttix.” He wavers between “buttix” and “butix.” He bows his head. “Shoulda paid attention in college,” he thinks. He doesn’t think for long.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

someone called me a "dude-bro" the other day. is this a good thing to be called?

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

well, let's see:

the dude sleeps on your couch and breaks your toilet. the bro sleeps on your couch and throws up in your toilet. the dude eats a sausage omelette and contemplates ways he can take scissors to his jeans -- to make cutoffs. the bro eats a sausage omelette and fondly recalls running with scissors -- recently. the dude shows up with a suitcase of busch and hangs out in the backyard. the bro shows up with a suitcase of natural light and hangs out in the backyard.

so, to be called a "dude-bro" might have the following implications.

(1) it might be a less-than-bro reference, the way a lieutenant colonel is not really a 'full bird'.

(2) this someone may have considered you a perfect amalgam of each category -- a mash-up, if you will, of all the best "dude" and all the best "bro". a mega dude-bro!

(3) the someone in question may have a redundancy disorder. yes, in the end, we must consider this possibility!

(4) it's a good thing you weren't called a "dude-brah" as this may have implicated the need for a support garment of some such.

our study is inconclusive in the end. our expert analysts cannot determine the tone of the someone; or the situation the someone approached you in.

our advice: be yourself. don't "bro the line" if you don't want to. in the end, they can call us "dude-bros" all they want. or they can call us nothing at all!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------B.A.

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

well, let's see:

the dude sleeps on your couch and breaks your toilet. the bro sleeps on your couch and throws up in your toilet. the dude eats a sausage omelette and contemplates ways he can take scissors to his jeans -- to make cutoffs. the bro eats a sausage omelette and fondly recalls running with scissors -- recently. the dude shows up with a suitcase of busch and hangs out in the backyard. the bro shows up with a suitcase of natural light and hangs out in the backyard.

so, to be called a "dude-bro" might have the following implications.

(1) it might be a less-than-bro reference, the way a lieutenant colonel is not really a 'full bird'.

(2) this someone may have considered you a perfect amalgam of each category -- a mash-up, if you will, of all the best "dude" and all the best "bro". a mega dude-bro!

(3) the someone in question may have a redundancy disorder. yes, in the end, we must consider this possibility!

(4) it's a good thing you weren't called a "dude-brah" as this may have implicated the need for a support garment of some such.

our study is inconclusive in the end. our expert analysts cannot determine the tone of the someone; or the situation the someone approached you in.

our advice: be yourself. don't "bro the line" if you don't want to. in the end, they can call us "dude-bros" all they want. or they can call us nothing at all!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------B.A.

Anonymous said...

thanks for your twice-told truth, daniel gutstein. i'm pretty sure it was meant as an insult, but you were kind enough to make it seem ambiguous. i looked on urbandictionary.com. it seems that the term is roughly synonymous with another popular insult that shares the same DB initials.

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

were you about to sing, as bro, with another person? it could've been a cue, like: "duet, bro." as if it were charlie parker's time in the song to solo but, no, not quite exactly. but the gist of it; the zest of it. eh?

kay cee cheers for indy. well butter my onion! go paciz!

-----------BA

Nessa said...

I posted a link to this on my https://www.facebook.com/supportbrahs page.

DAN / DANIEL GUTSTEIN said...

Nessa,

I am much obliged that you took time to read the blog (which will be making a comeback next week) and thank you increasing its "Brofile" via links & such.

Blood And Gutstein would like to bestow upon you its greatest award, by declaring you an Honorable Blogger. We hope you're having a great start to 2015.

--yr friends at B.A.G.