Here come the American
Sportsmen? Great!
They will pay Bryce
Harper $300 million? Great!
Has Bryce won a World
Series? No? Great!
Basically, he stinks? And
he gets the highest paycheck? Great!
There’s hope, then, for
everybody who stinks? Great!
Hey, let’s get that haircut?
With the swoosh? Brilliant!
What’s the Bryce Harper
go-to styling gel? Oh yeah? Great!
So my team sucks an
organic, cage-free egg? Great!
Do we get relegated to a
lower league? No? Great!
We get the top draft
pick? No kidding? Great!
Maybe we should suck for
four-score and twenty years? Great!
We’d get four-score and
twenty No. 1 draft picks? Great!
Who’s responsible for these
lack of consequences? Owners? Brilliant!
That’s them? In the sky
box? Sipping champagne? Great!
The more money you have,
the better person you are? Great!
New York is the
wealthiest American sports city? Great!
The Knickerbockers have a
lot of money? Right? Great!
The New York Football
Giants have cash? Great!
The Rangers have dough? And
the Nets and the Jets? Great!
And the Yankees are
loaded of course? Brilliant!
How many titles did these
teams win last year? None? Great!
The coach is in charge at
all times? As it should be? Great!
He calls time outs? He
sends players out there? Great!
We’re losing? Who’s to
blame? The players? Great!
They fired the coach?
Now? During the game? Great!
There’s a new coach? But
we’re still losing? Great!
They fired the second
coach? How quickly? Brilliant!
The players still stink?
We’ve fired three coaches? Great!
We now turn to our panel of experts – Fluffy, Sausages, and The
Machine – which is advising this blog during Complaint Week 2019.
“How do I
pronounce Gekas?” says Fluffy. “Theo-fanis
Gekas. Theo-fanis Gekas. Theofanis Gekas! Theofanis Gekas! Theofanis Gekas!”
“…the king…,”
says Sausages, “…out there…, hocking his watch…”
“Coaches,”
writes The Machine. “Why do these fuckers get paid big dollars to help young
men run around on fields?”
Thank you, gentlemen. Yes, let’s stick with the coach, for now. There’s
a fundamental example here. Let’s say it’s a basketball game. The coach calls
timeout. His team is losing by two, late in the game. He diagrams a
basket-scoring play on his little dry erase board that duplicates the court,
with a three point line, a charity stripe, and so forth. He’s really going at
it, with X’s and O’s, and his little purple pen. The bench players are paying
attention, but of course, they’re not going to execute the play. Neither are
the players who are playing. They know that the star player will just change
the play the minute the ball is inbounded. On the other bench, the other coach
is diagramming an offensive play, too. Why? you ask. Because there is no
defense anymore. Offense is defense. You defend by planning to score. Both
coaches, scribbling away furiously in purple dry-erase ink, while the players
send text messages, or practice their handshakes. Once the play actually
begins, none of the scribbling matters anymore. The play unfolds as the players
see fit, with both teams—simultaneously—on offense. The coach is red in the
face, he runs up and down the court, he gesticulates like an imbecile, but
nobody is listening. But that’s not the complaint, no. Both teams are filthy-wealthy,
and both teams SUCK. (Complaint!)
blood
and gutstein complaint week 2019: no solutions—just gripes
monday: democrats
tuesday: education
wednesday: poetry
thursday: beer
friday: sports
2 comments:
Arrgh . . .
Thanks for your complaint, Ted.
---BA
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