NOT JUST THE ALOOF BILLIONAIRE AMERICAN SPORTS OWNER, AND NOT JUST THE OVERPRICED AMERICAN ATHLETE, BUT THE UNCLEAR ROLE OF THE AMERICAN COACH: COMPLAINT.

Here come the American Sportsmen? Great!

They will pay Bryce Harper $300 million? Great!

Has Bryce won a World Series? No? Great!

Basically, he stinks? And he gets the highest paycheck? Great!

There’s hope, then, for everybody who stinks? Great!

Hey, let’s get that haircut? With the swoosh? Brilliant!

What’s the Bryce Harper go-to styling gel? Oh yeah? Great!

So my team sucks an organic, cage-free egg? Great!

Do we get relegated to a lower league? No? Great!

We get the top draft pick? No kidding? Great!

Maybe we should suck for four-score and twenty years? Great!

We’d get four-score and twenty No. 1 draft picks? Great!

Who’s responsible for these lack of consequences? Owners? Brilliant!

That’s them? In the sky box? Sipping champagne? Great!

The more money you have, the better person you are? Great!

New York is the wealthiest American sports city? Great!

The Knickerbockers have a lot of money? Right? Great!

The New York Football Giants have cash? Great!

The Rangers have dough? And the Nets and the Jets? Great!

And the Yankees are loaded of course? Brilliant!

How many titles did these teams win last year? None? Great!

The coach is in charge at all times? As it should be? Great!

He calls time outs? He sends players out there? Great!

We’re losing? Who’s to blame? The players? Great!

They fired the coach? Now? During the game? Great!

There’s a new coach? But we’re still losing? Great!

They fired the second coach? How quickly? Brilliant!

The players still stink? We’ve fired three coaches? Great!

We now turn to our panel of experts – Fluffy, Sausages, and The Machine – which is advising this blog during Complaint Week 2019.

            “How do I pronounce Gekas?” says Fluffy. “Theo-fanis Gekas. Theo-fanis Gekas. Theofanis Gekas! Theofanis Gekas! Theofanis Gekas!”

            “…the king…,” says Sausages, “…out there…, hocking his watch…”

            “Coaches,” writes The Machine. “Why do these fuckers get paid big dollars to help young men run around on fields?”

Thank you, gentlemen. Yes, let’s stick with the coach, for now. There’s a fundamental example here. Let’s say it’s a basketball game. The coach calls timeout. His team is losing by two, late in the game. He diagrams a basket-scoring play on his little dry erase board that duplicates the court, with a three point line, a charity stripe, and so forth. He’s really going at it, with X’s and O’s, and his little purple pen. The bench players are paying attention, but of course, they’re not going to execute the play. Neither are the players who are playing. They know that the star player will just change the play the minute the ball is inbounded. On the other bench, the other coach is diagramming an offensive play, too. Why? you ask. Because there is no defense anymore. Offense is defense. You defend by planning to score. Both coaches, scribbling away furiously in purple dry-erase ink, while the players send text messages, or practice their handshakes. Once the play actually begins, none of the scribbling matters anymore. The play unfolds as the players see fit, with both teams—simultaneously—on offense. The coach is red in the face, he runs up and down the court, he gesticulates like an imbecile, but nobody is listening. But that’s not the complaint, no. Both teams are filthy-wealthy, and both teams SUCK. (Complaint!)

blood and gutstein complaint week 2019: no solutions—just gripes

monday: democrats

tuesday: education

wednesday: poetry

thursday: beer

friday: sports

SPORTS WEEK #2 OF 5: DANIEL SNYDER & THE LANDOVER FOOTBALL TEAM.

I blogged about Daniel Snyder and his (American) football team last November, hoping to add some small voice to the impressive collection of voices already calling upon the embattled owner to discontinue the franchise’s nickname and logo. Since then, Snyder has experienced considerable additional pressure to recast the team’s image—including the “Proud to Be” television advertisement sponsored by the Yocha Dehe Wintun Nation—but he seems even more determined to retain a brand that slurs Native Americans. The National Football League has not demonstrated obvious interest in addressing the matter, despite the example set by the National Basketball Association in the wake of Donald Sterling’s comments that offended African Americans.

The NBA of course levied a staggering $2.5 million fine against Sterling, the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers franchise, and banned him from the league for life. (He may lose ownership of the team, as well.) Sterling’s words, recorded by a female associate, drew wide condemnation from many quarters, including the team’s corporate sponsors, prominent athletes across the country, and President Obama. I see little difference between Sterling’s hurtful comments and the symbols of Snyder’s franchise, except that the nickname and logo of Snyder’s team appear every day—and are mentioned every day—online, in news broadcasts, and in print, all across the country. Should we, as Americans, punish one example of prejudice but leave another example alone?

The Washington Wizards NBA franchise discontinued the Bullets name more than fifteen years ago. Not only has the team has survived the switch, but it has relocated itself (from Maryland) to downtown D.C., where it has contributed to the renewal of the Penn Quarter. Snyder’s franchise, however, plays in Maryland, and as such, both parts of the team name should be scrapped. In the meantime, I call upon leaders everywhere to join a growing group of institutions and individuals in addressing Snyder’s team as the Washington Football Team, or better yet, the Landover Football Team, to reflect geographical accuracy. Joe Gibbs, after all, coached Washington toward three super bowl wins at RFK Stadium, in D.C. proper, but Snyder’s team has largely sputtered at Landover’s FedEx Field.

Critics will point to a handful of recent polls that show broad support for the name, even among Native Americans, despite the fact that the National Congress of American Indians and several tribes support the change. I can’t imagine a scenario in which the NAACP, for example, would disparage the remarks made by Donald Sterling, but polls would show broad support for the Clippers owner among African Americans. Even if a significant majority of Americans truly do approve of the Landover Football Team’s nickname, it’s obvious that a significant number of people take offense from it; hence the recent Yocha Dehe Wintun Nation ad that ran during the NBA finals. Surely Daniel Snyder—net worth $1.2 billion—could afford to rebrand the Landover Football Team, and turn a profit, to boot. Perhaps the goodwill inherent in such a move would lead to a few wins on the gridiron.

Sports Week #1 of 5: My Grandfather, Emil Ringel
Sports Week #3 of 5: Wilfried & The Swans
Sports Week #4 of 5: Who I Heckled As a Young Man
Sports Week #5 of 5: Draws