Monday, November 26, 2007

Retroactively Asserting Your Senility

Risk of sedan falling over airplane tail onto grimace?

Ever notice the growth industry in Abraham Lincoln Revisionism? You can even invest pre-tax dollars through TIAA-CREF's Honest Abe Debenture. If you'd speculated last year on Honest Abe's sexuality, co-morbid disorders, and favorite plywood techniques, you'd be "swimming in the calories," so to speak. There is talk that Lincoln carried a rare genetic disorder that he was dying from -- John Wilkes Booth or not. Go figure. Every president, I'd imagine, has had his Booth, even as some Booths were not successful. Kennedy, of course, succumbed to his assassin's bullet, whereas President Reagan survived an attempt on his life, as did Jimmy Carter, who was attacked by a fierce rabbit, whilst fishing. He should've known better, as Minutemen of Plains, Ga., lit two lamps, to signify a fierce rabbit attack by sea. The rabbit was nevertheless repelled by frantic paddling (of the water) -- and, thinking it appropriate for politics, Carter tried to defeat Reagan in the same way, with an oar. "There you go again," replied a sad Reagan, in their televised debate, referring to the oar-wielding Carter. The rest is American political history.

Perhaps there should be a sign at the edge of Carter's lake that features a fierce rabbit. Perhaps one such sign should be featured at the Democratic National Committee Headquarters, with a caption underneath that reads: Lepus Maximus. Night of the Lepus, for those of you who don't keep up with the classics, was a feature film that starred nuclear-age rabbits. Also starred DeForrest Kelly (Bones on Star Trek) and Janet Leigh (the screamer of Psycho fame). She screamed, too, in Night of the Lepus, as many Lepusses overran a to-scale model town. Among other things, those Lepusses had Demographics, such as Pelts, Gnashers, Crank Calls, Doctrine, and Alimony Payments. It's not every rabbit that has Demographics. Some maintain LTGs -- Long Term Grudges. Still others suffer from multiculturalism -- that is, a history of many throat inspections. Wise rabbits will tell you that you cannot assert yourselves in the same ways, these days, anymore. Used to be you could throw a rock at the train, or vote your subconscience, or retroactively assert your senility. Not anymore. Not with all that litigation looming.

Ever notice how Third Parties tend to finish Third? How your windows don't quite tell the truth? How steeples stop at arbitrary junctures? How ivy and mania rarely enter the same sentence but do, once in a while, appear about five or six words apart? How you can list your close friends on one or two hands but need all kinds of hands -- those of manikins, surgical gloves, mittens, etc. -- to count the canines you've loved over the years? How it's silly to think of a union between a rat and an avocado, but if there were such a union, the resulting legume / mammal would be called a Ravocado? How proponents of one religion question the ghost stories of another religion but otherwise treat as fact the ghost stories of their own faith? How worms come out of the earth during a rainstorm? Why is that -- flooding? Pride? Chased by a Ravocado? You can predict a gait but can you predict a kick? Can you predict -- virtually everything -- about Kentucky? How many clocks need you consult before you declare the entourage, if not the candidate him / herself out of touch? Hindering? Destructive? A goner?


Maria said...

caveat cunniculus. et ravocado.

Anonymous said...

As "the" supreme "realist," I advise all of you dead linguists to wise up, wise ass. As a wizened ass and dead linguist myself, I know just how postpositive the ravocado be, especially in situations in which Jimmy Carter is chased, and former B-movie actors with aliterative initials obtain the cudgel. Fuckin' A. Beware the cudgel.

Michael said...

Gives assholes like Larry Craig hope. Now the GOP is really the party of Lincoln--you go, Log Cabin Republicans!

6 GOP senators are retiring. Hmmm. Wonder why--


Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

You mean a union between Larry Craig and an avocado? I bet that such a thing has happened. I think they have avocados at that gourmet mart in Union Station. BA

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

Fear the Cudgel, indeed: caveat ravocado. BA

mark wallace said...

Night of the Lepus is a neglected classic. Oh, the bloody mouths of those cute little bunnies gave me nightmares for days.

"Rabbits aren't Jack's bag." It's a line right up there with "Play it again, Sam." Which nobody actually said, I know, so that may the rabbit line comes out ahead.

Dan / Daniel Gutstein said...

That Janet Leigh screamed in Psycho and then in Night of the Lepus means what? By the transitive property of mathematics, the two movies are equal. Sad but true. BA