THE PROBLEM WITH SAYING DAVID VERSUS GOLIATH EVERY TIME AN UNDERDOG SITUATION ARISES.

David et Goliath? Why? Wuz he hongry?

Because, in the bible, duh!, David always wins. There is no other David v. Goliath. It wasn’t exactly a best of seven series. Why is everyone always surprised when David wins? He always wins. Not just in the Old Testament but in the New Tetanus. The minute you say David v. Goliath, Goliath becomes the underdog. He becomes the loser! While David becomes King. Afterwards, Goliath straggles around in the Hillock Region, a self-radicalized wino. He tries Amway for a while. He tags the dumpster behind the College with white spray paint: PRESCRIPTIVISM SUCKS! He becomes an Air Traffic Controller but only after someone has to explain to him that he cannot become the Air Traffic Comptroller—you know, the one who taxes all the Controllers. Goliath just ain’t right. He shows us his chipped tooth, his defeated embouchure. He demonstrates his deviated septum, his sleep apnea. He displays his suborbital bone—nobody has ever orbited around a suborbital bone like Goliath’s bone. He strums his guitar in the Hillock Region, and sings original songs, “Go lieth,” he hums, “go lieth among the bees.” He takes up a cause, does Goliath. Namely, The Bees. Lately, it is Bees v. Monsanto. He writes to Vladimir Putin, and much to his surprise, Putin aligns with Goliath—(brings to the table KGB, gas money, borscht, etc.)—and pretty soon, Goliath starts to look like Goliath again, which, of course, couldn’t be better news for Monsanto. ‘This doggone postmodern unipolar world!’ he laments, ‘there just ain’t no percentage in Goliath v. Goliath.’ He launches an 800 number, 1-800-GOLIATH, where people with Guttural Accents tell Gutter Stories for a pretty Ruble. He intends, through some magic, through some miracle, through some money laundering, to become a 503-C, i.e., Some Kind of David, and confront David as an equal. ‘David v. David could be The New Warfare,’ he deduces, ‘and it’s a whole lotta pebbles in the brook!’