FIVE TOP AMERICAN CRAFT STOUTS IN THREE CATEGORIES—SESSIONABLE, MID-RANGE, AND IMPERIAL—(BY ABV) (+7 PORTERS) THAT YOU MUST DRINK BEFORE YOU CAN HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME ABOUT DARK BEER.

Port Brewing A.B.L.E. Stout, Ocean Beach.

Sadly, it does not travel beyond San Diego.

In addition to producing an array of beers brewed with staggering quality, the American craft beer revolution has endorsed a sense of “the local” as well, with competent beers appearing in the tasting rooms or articulated pubs of great micro-breweries across the country—in cities large and towns small. Some of these beers are world-beaters, to be sure, but not all of them travel in bottle or keg outside the locality. When compiling a list of top examples, therefore, one must consider the brews that others can reasonably locate at their tap-houses or beer stores. Below follows just such a list. You can probably tell that I am partial to dark beer, having tasted, conservatively, upwards of 1,000 stouts and porters in the past few years. I have swilled all over the country, from Boston to Chattanooga, from Chicago to San Diego, from Washington, D.C. to Seattle, Washington, sampling, along the way, many stouts and porters unavailable nationally. Some of these local dark beers have been special, including, let’s say, Port Brewing Company’s A.B.L.E. Stout in Ocean Beach, an American double at 8.20% that may not be brewed again, and will never travel. The A.B.L.E. stout reminded me of Founders Breakfast Stout, a major beer that is available in most areas. The Founders beer and all other stouts do offer nutritive benefits (antioxidants, to name one) when consumed in moderation. The key thing, when sampling such a fine beverage, is to effect moderation. But I digress. Let me get to the list, which I have broken into three divisions, according to alcohol by volume, or ABV. The first category I will deem “Sessionable Stout”, with ABV not to exceed 6.50%. I will name the second category “Mid-Range Stout”, with ABV between 6.51% and 8.99%, and the third category “Imperial Stout”—for ABV values that soar above 9.00%. You can thank Catherine the Great (love that gal!) for imperials, as she commissioned the production of the very first one, a stout that would endure the snowy journey from England to Mother Russia without freezing en route. This list (“Warning!”) may be controversial to some. For one, I have organized it primarily by alcohol content, not necessarily by style. I have also determined my own ABV divisions. The list, moreover, does not include stouts and porters from abroad, not even from Mother Canada. The list does not attempt to establish these beers as the ultimate tops in their categories, but as “five of the tops”, even though these beers may be the very five tops after all. Click here if you need any instruction on how to imbibe a dark brew. Otherwise: to the pub! Comments welcome!  

Five Top Sessionable Stouts (up to 6.5% ABV.)

Sierra Nevada Stout 5.8%

Deschutes Obsidian Stout 6.4%

Wolavers Oatmeal Stout 5.9%

Anderson Valley Barney Flats Oatmeal Stout 5.7%

Sixpoint Diesel 6.3%

Five Top Middle-Range Stouts (6.51% to 8.99% ABV.)

Founders Breakfast Stout 8.3%

Evolution Rise Up Stout 6.8%

Bar Harbor Cadillac Mountain Dry Irish Stout 6.7%

Green Flash Double Stout 8.8%

Big Bear Black Stout 8.1%

Five Top Imperial Stouts (9.00% ABV and above.)

Founders Imperial Stout 10.5%

Alesmith Speedway Stout 12.0%

Deschutes The Abyss 11.0%

Stone Russian Imperial Stout 10.5%

North Coast Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout 9.0%

Porters (any ABV.)

Deschutes Black Butte Porter 5.2

Mayflower Porter 5.5%

Russian River Porter 6.1%

Founders Porter 6.5%

Anchor Porter 5.6%

Smuttynose Robust Porter 6.2%

Great Lakes Edmund Fitzgerald Porter 5.8%

PARTS PER MILLION: AN OPEN LETTER TO CLIMATE CHANGE SKEPTICS WHO DO NOT, IN TURN, REJECT THE SCIENCE OF WARFARE.

Intertwined, like it or not.

For the sake of Brevity, let us define Science as both Military and Climate. A belief in the routines of synthesizing Modern Weaponry, for example, would obligate you to believe in Global Warming. You couldn’t believe in one part of Science, that is, without believing in all parts of Science, and in any event, for the sake of Brevity, we are offering a definition that equates, say, the Fundamental Routines required to conceive of Ordnance and Trajectory with the Fundamental Routines required to measure the levels of Greenhouse Gasses. Interestingly enough, the increased administration of Modern Weaponry will probably lead to the progression of Global Warming, and the progression of Global Warming will probably lead to the increased administration of Modern Weaponry. The scene shifts to a mountaintop in Hawai’i, where the measurement of Carbon in Parts Per Million surpasses reasonable levels. The polluted air—steeply—warms the earth yet you deny the Science. “This is natural,” you may assert or “Mono-Deity intends for this to happen” or “Scientists Are Engaging in a Conspiracy to Falsify Their Findings” even as drastic consequences loom and the fossilized, ice-core history of the Earth hasn’t indicated such disastrous levels of Parts Per Million in Millions of Years. Science, of course, builds cartridges, magazines, firearms, torque, detonations, submarines, jump jets, nerve agents, mushroom clouds, satellite guidance, and all sorts of sundry materiel. This is “Natural?” this is Mono-Deity? In one half of our basic two-part system, Science warns of Great Harm, and in the other half, Science produces Great Harm. You reject the former but not the latter. It must be nice to entitle yourselves to these types of inconsistencies. The scene shifts to man-made structures—rails, overpasses, domiciles, high-rises, signals, gutters, power plants, wiring, cathedrals, off ramps—that are, desperately, perpetually, attempting to crumble or combust. The scene shifts to soil, there is a Drought in the soil, the Drought rises toward the surface, through soil that is perpetually striving to evaporate, and without some Immediate Attention, Skeptics, witness the Dumb Animal in Collapse.

THE PROBLEM WITH SAYING DAVID VERSUS GOLIATH EVERY TIME AN UNDERDOG SITUATION ARISES.

David et Goliath? Why? Wuz he hongry?

Because, in the bible, duh!, David always wins. There is no other David v. Goliath. It wasn’t exactly a best of seven series. Why is everyone always surprised when David wins? He always wins. Not just in the Old Testament but in the New Tetanus. The minute you say David v. Goliath, Goliath becomes the underdog. He becomes the loser! While David becomes King. Afterwards, Goliath straggles around in the Hillock Region, a self-radicalized wino. He tries Amway for a while. He tags the dumpster behind the College with white spray paint: PRESCRIPTIVISM SUCKS! He becomes an Air Traffic Controller but only after someone has to explain to him that he cannot become the Air Traffic Comptroller—you know, the one who taxes all the Controllers. Goliath just ain’t right. He shows us his chipped tooth, his defeated embouchure. He demonstrates his deviated septum, his sleep apnea. He displays his suborbital bone—nobody has ever orbited around a suborbital bone like Goliath’s bone. He strums his guitar in the Hillock Region, and sings original songs, “Go lieth,” he hums, “go lieth among the bees.” He takes up a cause, does Goliath. Namely, The Bees. Lately, it is Bees v. Monsanto. He writes to Vladimir Putin, and much to his surprise, Putin aligns with Goliath—(brings to the table KGB, gas money, borscht, etc.)—and pretty soon, Goliath starts to look like Goliath again, which, of course, couldn’t be better news for Monsanto. ‘This doggone postmodern unipolar world!’ he laments, ‘there just ain’t no percentage in Goliath v. Goliath.’ He launches an 800 number, 1-800-GOLIATH, where people with Guttural Accents tell Gutter Stories for a pretty Ruble. He intends, through some magic, through some miracle, through some money laundering, to become a 503-C, i.e., Some Kind of David, and confront David as an equal. ‘David v. David could be The New Warfare,’ he deduces, ‘and it’s a whole lotta pebbles in the brook!’

WHAT THE JET ENGINE INDUSTRY DOES NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT FROZEN CHICKENS (PART 1 OF 2).

"Feathiz."

Ruth & Marty discuss jet engine testing, frozen chickens, feathers (sic), luggage, and avocados. Please take a look at Part 2 of this important series.

WHAT THE JET ENGINE INDUSTRY DOES NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT FROZEN CHICKENS (PART 2 OF 2).

"Rotiz."

Ruth & Marty discuss nightingales, frozen chickens, rotors (sic), whippoorwills, and bird cams. Please take a look at Part 1 of this important series.

STATE OF THE HOOKUP.

It's easy to get hooked on a Hookup.


Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming, I am the Spokesperson for The Hookup, and on behalf of The Hookup, I’ve been asked to issue a statement. To begin, the State of the Hookup—is good. We have one ‘he’ and one ‘she’, and while you may happen to know either or both, I am not at liberty to confirm their participation. To be sure, this would be a modern Hookup, and as such, both parties may be single parents who must drive several hours to visit one another. When not together, they keep in regular contact via smart phone emoticons, and I can report that, this week alone, the parties exchanged approximately 15 smileys, 11 devils, and 10 contortions. They have agreed upon a Facebook policy and continue to ‘like’, i.e., ‘thumbs up’ each other’s status updates, especially those that attempt to define their—quite significant—contributions to radical culture. They are drinking socially, they are not smoking apricot hookah, they have both deactivated their online dating profiles, and while this may seem curious, folks, remember: it’s but a Hookup. Neither is lusty; both are trim; each continues to struggle with his or her knowledge of jazz music, despite the overwhelming amount of information available to them in their circles of friends. As far as who’s in charge, well, she’s been acting a bit girlie, but then again, so has he. Many people have feelings for her (I’ve confessed my own) but he’s lovable enough in an ‘ultimate frisbee days-of-yore’ kind of way, hence, a general feeling of ‘live and let live’ should establish itself, one would hope, eventually. Before I conclude, I would like to acknowledge someone in the audience, the General Secretary of the Avant Garde, who informed me that both parties have applied for membership in the Avant Garde, jointly, as a Hookup. Their application is pending. Mr. General Secretary, thank you, and thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am now ready to take your questions.

APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP IN THE AVANT GARDE.

Please complete in Quadruplicate

1. Do you publicly admonish The Establishment—uttering such phrases as ‘Yeah, right!’ or ‘Up yours!’—even as you have prospered from its policies? 

2. Have you sat on a couch populated by members of the Avant Garde, during a soiree, and refused a space on the couch to an ordinary person?

3. Does climate change threaten you generally, or do you fret about danger to your professional reputation in the face of rising temperatures and swelling seas?

4. If the nation elected a leftist government, would you be prepared to endorse it?

5. How many conspiracies do you contemplate in an average day? Circle one of the following: | 0 | 1 to 3 | 4 to 6 | 7 to10 | 11 or higher |

6. Speaking as an artist, would you describe your collected audience to be situated above or below 25 total persons?

7. Does your favorite animal inhabit the steppe, the wilderness, or the butte?

8. How many times do you congratulate yourself on social media platforms, including, but not limited to updates on the basic activities of daily living?

9. Have you, at any time, in any previous connection, professional or otherwise, smelled like onions?

10. Are you familiar with the military grouping known as the Vanguard, as exemplified by the Burgundy Armies, and adopted, later, by Various Hordes?

If you are applying for Membership as part of a Hookup with another person, both parties of the Hookup must complete questions 1 through 10, in Quadruplicate. Good day.